Marion's Communication Tips

Do you communicate in such a way that you raise your profile and add value to your workplace? If not, you could be missing out on some huge benefits! Why not get the recognition you deserve while serving your organization more actively?

On JULY 27th, 2011, I have the joy of presenting in Montreal at the International Association of Administrative Professionals (IAAP) Education Forum and Annual Meeting (EFAM). With this audience of administrative pros, I'll be sharing two sessions, one of which is, "How to Raise Your Profile in the Workplace".

Recently, Dr. Susan Fenner of IAAP interviewed me for this upcoming conference and other related communication subjects. If you're joining us in Montreal, you'll be able to hear my presentations in their entirety, so please consider the link below as a preview (with a few bonus subjects). If you won't be joining us in Montreal, this interview will give you a little sampling:
http://www.iaap-hq.org/podcasts/its-do-it-yourself-world-art-self-promotion

In this clip, I share some tips and strategies on:

• Mentoring
• Becoming an expert
• Doing presentations
• Keeping track of your accomplishments
• Leadership approaches
• How communication helps with change management
• My personal hardest communication challenge
• How technology has impacted how I communicate (HINT: The importance of face-to-face communication)

Here's that courtesy link again. Feel free to listen to all or part of it. Your choice.
http://www.iaap-hq.org/podcasts/its-do-it-yourself-world-art-self-promotion 

Special thanks to Susan for conducting this interview -- she's a real firecracker and I can't wait to meet her (and some of you) in Montreal!

Until next time, here's to ...
Better communication, Better business, Better life,
Marion Grobb Finkelstein
COMMUNICATION CATALYST
Keynote Speaker / Corporate Trainer / Author
www.MarionSpeaks.com
Marion@MarionSpeaks.com
www.facebook.com/MarionSpeaks  

Comments about this article? Just post them below and share your thoughts with other MarionSpeaks colleagues.

© 2011 Marion Grobb Finkelstein
WANT TO USE THIS ARTICLE IN YOUR EZINE OR WEB SITE? You can, as long as you include this complete tagline with it: Communications expert, author, professional speaker Marion Grobb Finkelstein teaches individuals and organizations across Canada and beyond, how to improve morale, confidence and productivity by changing how they communicate. Chat with her at www.facebook.com/MarionSpeaks or sign up for her FREE weekly e-newsletter "Marion's Communication Tips" at www.MarionSpeaks.com

Have you ever watched a foreign film and sometimes the subtitles don’t seem to quite match the action on the screen? It’s a little jarring, isn't it? The same thing can happen when we communicate face to face. The gestures you use can help underscore or undermine your message.

I recently saw a person smiling as they relayed to a colleague their deepest sympathies for the death of a loved one. Most likely that smile was from nerves and the person was completely unaware that they were even doing it. Regardless of the reason, it was oddly out of place and the result was mixed messaging and inappropriate communication. Boy, did it send the wrong impression! I remember thinking if that was someone talking to me after I’d lost a loved one, I would definitely not appreciate the grin. Mixed up gestures mean mixed up messaging.

A recent study at the University of Manchester found that the use of gestures increased the accuracy with which people recalled stories by as much as 35 per cent! This tells us that using gestures -- the right ones -- can certainly enhance your communications.

How are your actions? Are your gestures and facial expressions in synch with what you're saying and what you hope to communicate? Here's a few quick quiz questions that may help:

1. When you speak to someone on a sensitive or important issue, do you:
   • focus your eye contact on him or her ... OR ...
   • tend to look around and be easily distracted?
2. When a colleague is relaying an upsetting incident, do you:
   • furrow your brows (showing focus), squint your eyes a bit, lean in (showing interest) ... OR ...
   • show no facial expressions at all?
3. When you are interested in what someone has to say, do you:
   • actively listen (maintain eye contact, keep palms up, offer neutral facial gestures) ... OR ...
   • get pulled away by distractions like the phone, other people walking by, papers on your desk?
4. When you want to assert yourself, do you:
   • display great, straight posture ... OR ...
   • curl in your shoulders and tilt your chin downward?
5. When you are happy, do you:
   • smile so your cheeks rise and your eyes smile too ... OR ...
   • do you forget to tell your face and not smile at all?

Were most of your answers the first option? If so, good on you! If not, well, now you know. We all work on our body language and the first step is awareness. If you've ever wondered what your gestures look like and if they're consistent, try videotaping yourself. Wow, that's revealing.

Your challenge for today, should you chose to accept it: ensure that the gestures you use are consistent with your message. Show them your stuff by showing them what you mean... and make it consistent.

Until next time, here's to ...
Better communication, Better business, Better life,
Marion Grobb Finkelstein
COMMUNICATION CATALYST
Keynote Speaker / Corporate Trainer / Author
www.MarionSpeaks.com
Marion@MarionSpeaks.com
www.facebook.com/MarionSpeaks  

© 2011 Marion Grobb Finkelstein
WANT TO USE THIS ARTICLE IN YOUR EZINE OR WEB SITE? You can, as long as you include this complete tagline with it: Communications expert, author, professional speaker Marion Grobb Finkelstein teaches individuals and organizations across Canada and beyond, how to improve morale, confidence and productivity by changing how they communicate. Chat with her at www.facebook.com/MarionSpeaks or sign up for her FREE weekly e-newsletter "Marion's Communication Tips" at www.MarionSpeaks.com

Have you ever found yourself in that awkward situation where you’re disappointed, upset or angry with someone and you don’t know quite how to tell them? This could help …

DECIDING WHEN TO SPEAK UP
One of the toughest things for us to know is when to speak our minds and when to bite our tongues. There really is no hard and fast rule because there are so many variables involved, not the least of which are your own personal comfort level and communication style. That being said, there are some guidelines that may help you decide if the time to speak up is now. You may find that saying the tough things may be your right choice under the following conditions:

• If the person's actions are negatively affecting your life 
• If the person's right to behave how he/she wishes infringes on your rights
• If you are speaking up on behalf of others who feel, for whatever reason, that they are not in a position to speak up for themselves
• If the behaviour goes beyond reasonable expectation of professional people
• If the questionable behaviour is repeated again and again
• If you know you'll regret it if you say nothing

Understanding why people are behaving the way they do is a wonderful starting point for communications. Even when you disagree with a behaviour, step back and consider the motivation, the reason why someone is behaving as he or she does. It may be a very dysfunctional reason that manifests itself in an ugly behaviour that is not serving the person or those around him or her well -- and they may not even realize it.

A relative of mine used to walk out in the middle of discussions when he wasn't in agreement, instead of staying and talking it through to a mutual resolution. This approach worked for him because he left when he was frustrated. It didn't work for the people left behind. His behaviour was tolerated for decades, until one time this relative offered a comment almost in passing, that shed great light. He said that his father used to beat his mother and he promised himself as a young boy that he would never allow himself to get that angry. Ahhh, understanding. This event explained his behaviour, it did not excuse it. His running away from conflict worked for him; it left us puzzled, frustrated and feeling like we were always walking on eggshells afraid to "upset" this man. Then one day, the inevitable happened ... a straw broke the camel's back. A fairly insignificant event snowballed out of proportion and he and his family refused to talk about it or to others. Regrettably, the relationship wasn't strong enough to withstand this challenge and he and his family have decided that they don't want to talk to a good portion of our relatives. A tough price to pay because we spoke up too late and because his family likely missed opportunities to speak up as well, along the way. Perhaps if we had said something decades ago explaining how his behaviour looked and felt, perhaps if he had explained why he was acting as he was, perhaps we would all still be communicating and he wouldn't have spent his life giving the cold shoulder to one relative or another. A sad life lesson.

After you understand possible reasons "why" the offending action may be occurring, balance that with this fact:

• the "why" of a behaviour is an explanation, not an excuse.

Why someone behaves a certain way is no excuse for the behaviour. And if that behaviour is negatively impacting you, you have a right to speak up. In fact, one may argue that you have the responsibility to do so. If you never speak up, if no one ever does, how is this person to know how his or her actions may be received as hurtful, ineffective or disrepectful? Maybe they would be well served if someone provided them with this insight. Maybe that someone, is you. 

HOW TO SAY THE TOUGH THINGS
Let's face it, it's tough to say the tough things. People don't want to hear that someone disagrees with something they've done or said. Although difficult, saying the tough things is not impossible. Once you know it's the right thing to do and you've decided to take the brave step to share your concerns, here's some tips to keep in mind that will increase the chances of a positive outcome: 

• Describe the questionable behaviour. Give real "when you ..." examples. Be specific so the person knows exactly the behaviour that stung, that didn't feel right, and that prompted you to speak up.
• Describe the impact. Explain how it made you feel. Often people don't realize how their actions impact others. Let them know.
• Acknowledge why the behaviour may be occurring. Enunciate to the person that you acknowledge why they may have behaved the way they did. Often the motivation is justifiable -- how the action manifests itself is not. Allow them to save face and demonstrate that you validate their feelings and motivations.
• Begin by validating the other person’s position or difficulty (at least to yourself): See the world from their perspective – everyone behaves the way they do for a reason, so take a walk in their shoes. Acknowledge to whatever degree possible, the reasons why a person may be behaving a certain way, e.g., “I know you may not realize how this is affecting me and you're just trying a new office procedure to improve cost-effectiveness …” Extending a tip of the hat in acknowledgement goes miles for building relationships. And after all, isn’t that the objective and outcome of great communications?
• Describe the desired behaviour. Saying only what you don't like isn't enough. Accompany the description of the "problem" with a solution. You can do that in the form of describing alternative actions that you believe would be more effective.
• Attack the behaviour, not the person. Don't personalize your comments or make it about the person. Keep it to the actions and behaviours.
• Come from a place of support. Boy, it's tough to think of the other person's perspective when you believe that he or she has crossed a boundary. However, putting aside the emotion and focusing on the relationship will always put you on solid ground.
• Give yourself time:  When dealing with a volatile, emotional subject, cool your jets before you communicate. Give yourself breathing space to step back and plan how you will best communicate. Sometimes that means a few minutes. Sometimes 24 hours. Sometimes several days. In extreme cases, it means years. Take the time you need while ensuring that you don't take so much time thinking about it, that you miss the opportunity to speak.

Be aware that when you do speak up, regardless of how respectfully and professionally you express yourself, few people will thank you. In fact, most will resent your statement. With time, if they have the maturity and the capacity, hopefully they'll see the grain of truth in what you're sharing. It's the handful of a chosen few who are able to hear feedback about their actions and not get defensive. Some will go on the attack and lash out at you, sometimes citing completely unrelated actions you have done. It's not pretty, so toughen up. Saying the tough things doesn't come with a trophy. There are no tangible rewards, just the knowledge that you asserted yourself when most would not. You spoke up for yourself and possibly for those who couldn't speak for themselves.

Do you have tough things that you want to communicate to someone? If you're faced with a difficult situation, Identify what approach works best for YOU. Pay attention to what that little voice inside your head is saying. It will tell you if it's time to speak up and it will guide you how to do it constructively. Use the tips above and saying the tough things will be a little less tough.

© 2011 Marion Grobb Finkelstein
WANT TO USE THIS ARTICLE IN YOUR EZINE OR WEB SITE? You can, as long as you include this complete tagline with it: Communications Catalyst, author, professional speaker Marion Grobb Finkelstein helps individuals and organizations across Canada and beyond raise morale, confidence and productivity by changing how they communicate. Chat with her on www.facebook.com/MarionSpeaks or sign up for her FREE weekly e-newsletter "Marion's Communication Tips" at www.MarionSpeaks.com

Every week I receive emails, blog posts, Facebook posts asking me communication questions, and I feature some of them right here. See if you recognize yourself in this situation.

QUESTION: I received news today that I was hired at another company and am returning to my (original) field of Graphic Design. Would you possibly have any advice or feedback on how to make this transition as smooth as possible as I feel out of touch (and nervous) when dealing with lots of different people and working at a large company?
Signed, K

MARION'S ANSWER: Congratulations on the new job! So you've been working for a couple years as an admin assistant and now you're transitioning back into the graphic design area, which sounds like your passion. Moving from a small, family-run biz to a large organization is a big change. Here's a couple tips and reminders that will get you on your way.

1) The principles of communication remain the same. Whether you're talking to one person or a crowd of thousands, the process of communicating well remains the same -- target your message to the right people in a way that they'll see what's in it for them.

2) A large organization is comprised of individuals. Sometimes when we look at huge organizations, we are overwhelmed by the size. Instead of thinking of the organization as a huge intimidating force, step back and recognize that it's not "an organization" you'll be communicating with -- it's people. This leads me to my next point ...

3) Build strategic relationships. Figure out who it is that you need to understand and work with closely to get your job done, then build rapport and relationships with them. Some of this will be organic through the very process of working together. Some other relationships, you may need to actively nurture. If you can't directly reach a decision maker who is affecting your world, connect with someone who has his or her ear and is one of the decision maker's influencers.

4) Be aware of the new workplace "culture", and adapt your communication style to suit it. Companies and organizations have personalities too. One way that those personalities or "brands" are expressed is through the work culture. Is it formal or relaxed dress? Is it rigid or free flowing? Is it risk tolerant or risk adverse? Observe, ask and experience. Soon enough, you'll know what the culture is and how your special skills and talents and personality can contribute to that end. 

Have a comment on this article, or a communication question? Post it on my blog below ...

Until next time, here's to ...
Better communication, better biz, better life!
Marion Grobb Finkelstein
Keynote Speaker / Corporate Trainer / Author
www.MarionSpeaks.com
Marion@MarionSpeaks.com
www.facebook.com/MarionSpeaks  

© 2011 Marion Grobb Finkelstein
WANT TO USE THIS ARTICLE IN YOUR EZINE OR WEB SITE? You can, as long as you include this complete tagline with it: Communications expert, author, professional speaker Marion Grobb Finkelstein teaches individuals and organizations across Canada and beyond, how to increase morale, confidence and productivity by changing the way they communicate. Connect with her on Facebook www.facebook.com/MarionSpeaks  or sign up for her FREE weekly e-newsletter "Marion's Communication Tips" at www.MarionSpeaks.com

It's Not About You When you give presentations, does your mouth go dry? Your heart beat a little faster? Your palms get sweaty? As you prepare to meet one-to-one with a top level client or senior official, are the butterflies in your stomach doing somersaults? If so, you're not alone. One of the most common questions I get is about controlling nerves when presenting. Without hesitation, I offer this suggestion ... COMMUNICATION TIP: Focus on your audience, not yourself A lot of people get nervous speaking to others, whether it's one-to-one or to the masses. Speaking and communication jitters can get the best of us and can jeopardize how effectively we connect with our colleagues, client, bosses and employees. The way to get over it? Focus on the needs of your audience and your role in meeting those needs. Remember this -- you have a message someone needs to hear. Each one of us has information or expertise of some sort that would benefit someone else. What's yours? Ask yourself this question: QUESTION: what information or knowledge do I have that would help someone else (who?) do his or her job better, faster, cheaper, easier? Know your audience. Find out what they need, what keeps them up at night, and how you can help them. Discover where they "hurt", what they lack, and fill that void with your skill, expertise and advice. Communicate valuable information and share your know-how.   THE LIMITED ENERGY THEORY Here's the reality: we all have limited energy, so spend yours wisely. Focus your energies on getting to know the people with whom you communicate. That could be your boss -- find out his or her top priorities and figure out how you can support them. Maybe your colleagues need help in a project, and you have the expertise to make the difference. Why not offer it and lend your know-how? Or perhaps you have clients you're trying to click with. Ask them questions and delve into how you can marry your expertise to their challenges and find solutions. Using communication skills to ask the right questions and provide the right answers is what will help you to connect with others. Ask, ask, ask. And it all begins with how you think, which leads me to my next point ... COME FROM A PLACE OF SERVICE Let me explain this term "service" for a moment, so as not to lead you astray. I'm saying "come from a place of service" -- not servitude. You're not someone's servant. You are choosing to apply your skills to serve. You are committing to a motivation bigger than just you. You are making a difference in someone else's life because you deem that person worthy and because you know you can help. That's service, not servitude. You're not someone's slave, you choose to serve and you do so willingly.   Communication is really about knowing how we can serve others. Add to that "knowing yourself" and your own strengths, and that's an unbeatable combination. It provides the foundation for great communications because it puts the focus on your audience, not you. And that type of attitude is what gets results. Hey, have you checked out my new Facebook splashpage? If you haven't yet "liked" my page, visit it now and see what I mean www.facebook.com/MarionSpeaks Until next time, here's to ... Positive communication, Productive relationships, Powerful results! Marion Grobb Finkelstein Keynote Speaker / Corporate Trainer / Author www.MarionSpeaks.com Marion@MarionSpeaks.com www.facebook.com/MarionSpeaks   © 2011 Marion Grobb Finkelstein WANT TO USE THIS ARTICLE IN YOUR EZINE OR WEB SITE? You can, as long as you include this complete tagline with it: Get more hands-on communication tips on Marion's Facebook www.facebook.com/MarionSpeaks , book her for your next gathering Marion@MarionSpeaks.com and sign up for her FREE weekly "Marion's Communication Tips" at www.MarionSpeaks.com . Communications expert, author, professional speaker Marion Grobb Finkelstein teaches individuals and organizations across Canada and beyond, how to increase morale, confidence and productivity by changing the way they communicate.

Unlike what Lady Gaga may have us believe, we're not all born this way.

Have you ever heard someone described as a “born communicator” or a “born speaker”? True, some people seem to come by it more readily, yet, communicating well is really a learned skill. And that’s great news, because it means that anyone has the potential to learn how to do it effectively.

Like any skill, communicating well means a willingness to learn, a commitment to practice, and an understanding of the process. It takes practicing behaviours until they become habits.

A colleague of mine who is deep into sports, advised me that there’s something called, “muscle memory”. If you play golf, tennis, go skiing or participate in any sport, you likely perform certain moves or actions automatically. You just know when they "feel right", and when you've done them well.

You weren’t born playing these games. Somewhere, some when, you committed to learning and studying the sport. You repeated specific actions again and again until they became second nature to you. Someone taught you the right (or wrong?) swing and, with practice, you began to do it without thinking. You can do the same thing with communication skills.

Start today. Observe the way you communicate. What is the one thing that you really want to eliminate, introduce or do more of?

Be your own communications detective and finger something about your communciation techniques that needs improvement. Go to books, colleagues, experts, courses, experience to hone your skills. Or drop me a line and ask me a question (my response may appear right here in an article).

Give it time, and you'll be delighted to see that you too, can master the skills of great communications. Communicating well doesn't just happen -- it's a learned skill. And if you identify what you want to learn, you can master it too.  

What's the ONE THING you'd like to change about the way you communicate? Share it with a blog post below ...

 

 

Until next time, here's to ...
Positive communication,
Productive relationships,
Powerful results!
Marion Grobb Finkelstein
Keynote Speaker / Corporate Trainer / Author
www.MarionSpeaks.com
Marion@MarionSpeaks.com
www.facebook.com/MarionSpeaks  

© 2011 Marion Grobb Finkelstein
WANT TO USE THIS ARTICLE IN YOUR EZINE OR WEB SITE? You can, as long as you include this complete tagline with it: Communications expert, author, professional speaker Marion Grobb Finkelstein teaches individuals and organizations across Canada and beyond, how to improve their businesses and their lives by improving their communications. Chat with her Facebook www.facebook.com/MarionSpeaks  or sign up for her FREE weekly e-newsletter "Marion's Communication Tips" at www.MarionSpeaks.com

Every now and then, I get a question that so many people have asked (or want to ask), that I simply want to share it with all of you. This is one of those delicate communication situations described below. Perhaps you've found yourself in this awkward position or you will someday. Read on, and you'll have some suggestions with how to handle it.

QUESTION:

I was wondering how to approach employees on personal hygiene issues.  It's not that the individuals are dirty or filthy but rather don't use personal anti-perspirants due to whatever reason. I have other employees commenting on "how ripe" the smell is on some days!  I'd like to discuss this with the individuals and wondered how to handle it.
Signed, Holding my breath until I get an answer.

MARION'S RESPONSE:

What a tough situation -- talk about having to communicate a difficult message! Rest assured, you're not alone. I've known several people who have handled this predicament. Here's some principles of good communications and tactics I would suggest:

1. SET THE TONE: Before you do anything, get your head in the right place -- come from a place of service, not judgement. You are speaking to this person because you have information that will help them (I'll explain how in a sec). Keep the mood light and casual. If you're nervous about speaking to them, remind yourself that you're doing this to support them, not to make them feel bad. Remind yourself of the outcome you want to see -- improved relationships, better productivity (it's hard to be productive when people don't want to be around you), and maintaining the person's dignity.

2. SPEAK IN PRIVATE. You mention "individuals" (plural) -- meet with each one separately and privately. If your workspace doesn't have a door, find a corner somewhere that you can meet without anyone hearing. No one needs to know that you're speaking to them. This is a sensitive issue and the intent is to treat it delicately and respectfully. Keep it short, brief, friendly and authoritative (you're the boss, right?)

3. WHAT TO SAY. The two golden rules of offering feedback:

            1) the person feel better for having heard it; and

            2) They know what to do to improve.

With this in mind:

a) Let them know the situation

b) Explain the impact it's having on THEM (i.e., their operational effectiveness) and others and (here's the important part) why it's in their best interest to change.

c) let them know you're there to help, you support them

d) close with a thank you and how much you value them.

A few cautions:

a) Make no reference to what might be causing the body odor, or anything that might end you up in the HR or lawyer's office -- that is, make no reference to culture, gender, weight, or anything else that you might see as contributing factors. These things could be seen as personal attacks, and that's not the intent.

b) Be approachable while being matter-of-fact

c) Allow them to save face, not be embarrassed.

It could sound something like this:

"Debbie/John (fill in the blank), I wanted to speak to you because I've noticed something I think you'll want to hear. Please know that I say this in the spirit of support and because you deserve to connect with colleagues and clients to the greatest extent possible.

I find that when I'm near you, I smell perspiration or body odour. I don't know what's causing it, all I know is that I'm concerned it's affecting your ability to interact with colleagues and clients.

You deserve to feel comfortable around others, so taking care of this piece is just another way to connect. There's lots of products you can try until you find a combination that works for you. If you have any questions, I'm not an expert but I'll certainly answer questions and help you as much as I can.

I appreciate the fact that we can speak candidly. So, let me know how it's going and if you have any questions, let me know."

Hope that helps. Let me know how it goes!

(PS: Hey, if you're reading this and have had a similar incident, post your comments and let us know what you did and how it turned out... or if you're going to use the approach suggested above).

It's ugly, isn't it?  -- the way we communicate when we're under incredible amounts of stress. Although we all know communicating when stressed can be damaging to our relationships, boy oh boy, it's tough to keep your cool when it seems the world is conspiring against you.

One of the most unproductive and destructive forms of communication, and one that raises its head during stressful times, is sarcasm.

A friend was recently helping me load a rather large TV into the back seat of a car. In order to minimize the chance of theft, he asked me to grab a blanket from inside so we could cover the TV. I came back not with a blanket, but a large scrap of heavy fabric I'd found. I thought it would cover the TV nicely and leave my good blanket on the couch where it belonged. When I asked my colleague if the fabric was covering his side of the TV, he retorted sarcastically, "why use a blanket when we can use this piece of ----". Without a word, I removed the fabric and returned with the blanket. Doggone it, he was right. The scrap of fabric was too small and the blanket really was the better choice. The content of his message was correct. It was the way in which it was delivered that was ineffective.

I gave it a few minutes and then broached the subject, telling him that I understood his point. I also told him that I didn't understand the sarcasm. In my eyes, there was no reason for him to lash out as my actions weren't malicious. There was no ill intent and I explained to him that, in my view, the sarcasm was misdirected. It was delivered in an angry tone, and not as a joke.

I'm not sure he got it. He may have missed the lesson, so in an effort to share it with others, here it is ...

COMM TIP: sarcasm is veiled contempt. It may be unabashedly targeted or be masked as "humour". Either way, it is destructive and an ineffective way to communicate when stressed. It discounts otherwise useful comments that may be lost in the sting.

Here's the option: instead of being sarcastic, say blatantly and respectfully what you mean. In this case, saying, "this piece of cloth really isn't working. Thanks for the try. Let's see if the blanket will work instead". Validating, acknowledging the attempt, politely explaining it doesn't work -- that's respectful communications.

If you're tempted to use sarcasm, ask yourself why? Is the action prompting your response deliberately malicious or delightfully unintentional? If no ill intent exists, sarcasm has no place. Direct and respectful communication will yield better results, hands down. And it's so much more becoming of you and your professionalism.

If you're the recipient of sarcasm, point it out to the offender, describing how it makes you feel to be on the receiving end. Give credit for the content of the message (it's quite often good!) and gently explain how sarcasm risks the valuable and useful message being lost. As difficult as it is to resist a retort or to dish back sarcasm in return, view these situations as a chance to hone your communication skills... and perhaps provide some insight to a colleague.

PS:I'd love to hear your thoughts about sarcasm and how you handle it. Just post your comments below. 

Until next time, here's to ...
Better communication, Better business, Better life!
Marion Grobb Finkelstein
Keynote Speaker / Corporate Trainer / Author

www.MarionSpeaks.com
Marion@MarionSpeaks.com
www.facebook.com/MarionSpeaks  

© 2006-2011 Marion Grobb Finkelstein
WANT TO USE THIS ARTICLE IN YOUR EZINE OR WEB SITE? You can, as long as you include this complete tagline with it: Communications expert, author, professional speaker Marion Grobb Finkelstein teaches individuals and organizations across Canada and beyond, how to improve their businesses and their lives by improving their communications. Chat with her Facebook www.facebook.com/MarionSpeaks  or sign up for her FREE weekly e-newsletter "Marion's Communication Tips" at www.MarionSpeaks.com

Do you ever lose your cool? Ah, c'mon, honestly now. If you say, "no", you're fibbing. Everyone loses it, sometimes. It's normal. It's natural. And it can be a career stopper if you let it. Losing your cool alters not just the effectiveness of your communications --  it can alter your relationships forever. The key is controlling your temper, before it controls you.

This past Sunday night, I grabbed my cuppa tea and nestled into the couch for our weekly ritual -- watching "The Apprentice". I love observing the communication between all the players and find the drama of interpersonal dynamics fascinating. This week did not disappoint. At the top of the show, Nene, a rather brash and outspoken woman, went completely ballistic on Star Jones. What an scene! And she did it right in front of the client launching the challenge for the two competing teams. At that point, I had to wonder if the client wrote off Nene's team (Nene was Project Leader) because of her outburst. Have you ever been discounted or discounted someone else due to a temper tantrum?

In the workplace, the tension and stress levels can be quite similar to this scenario, though we might contain it with a little more class. Few people (thankfully) behave as bombastically as Nene did. That doesn't mean that we don't sometimes fantasize doing so. The challenge is, how to control your temper when you feel so frustrated you could scream? These tips will get you on your way:

• LISTEN TO YOUR BODY AND BREATHE: Be aware of the stress signals your body is sending you. Be in the moment and conscious of what's happening. Cortisone is coursing through your veins, your blood pressure is soaring, and chances are, you're holding your breath. The antidote? Breathe. Breathe mindfully and deeply. Feel the stress drain from your being. Your body will thank you, and it will help you gain back control.

• REMEMBER THE BIG PICTURE AND FIND SOMETHING YOU LIKE: When colleagues push your buttons, chances are they don't even realize they're doing so. Normally, there is no intent at all to drive you nuts (unless they're "bullies", and that's a whole other ball game). In the absence of anything proving otherwise, assume that your antagonist's actions are not deliberate. Think about your relationship with this person as a whole, and consider this action that is prompting your potential outburst as an isolated incident. Even if this person has pushed your buttons before, consider this incident, whatever it might be, as a small portion of the whole relationship. Remember the good parts, gain perspective.

• POLITELY EXCUSE YOURSELF AND REMOVE YOURSELF: If you can't contain yourself, remove yourself. You know when you're about to lose it, so read the signs and put yourself in a place where you can regain control. If that means taking a "time out", do it. If you don't know your limits and aren't sure when you're reaching your boiling point, educate yourself -- become a student of your own emotional barometer, and know the warning signs before you surrender to your outburst.

•  HOLD YOUR TEMPER NOT FOR THEM ... DO IT FOR YOU. No one wants to witness your temper tantrum, no matter how justifiable it may be in your mind. Such outbursts could distance you from other colleagues -- they may not want to be associated with someone known as "hot-headed". Your losing your cool may damage not only one relationship you have, but many. Put a lid on it, not just out of respect for the other person (whether they deserve it or not) -- do it out of respect for yourself, your relationships, and your career. Keeping your cool will best serve you.

•  REMEMBER, YOU CAN'T UNRING THE BELL. Once words are spoken, they cannot be taken back. They irrevocably change relationships. Even with apologies and explanations, the words still hang there in the air, often pushing people apart and nudging them further mired into their polar-opposite positions. When speaking in anger, people share the unvarnished secrets of their darkest hearts, without benefit of tact and diplomacy. It can be ugly and distasteful. The price for that fleeting moment of "feel good" may be a lifetime of regret. COMM TIP: Watch the words you spit out because one day, you may have to swallow them.

In the final analysis, losing your temper won't serve you well. It will destroy relationships and paint you as an unprofessional hot-head. Regardless of what you think of the other person, don't you deserve more? Hold your tongue, hold your relationships.

PS: I'd love to hear your thoughts about how holding your temper. Just post your comments below. 

Until next time, here's to ...
Better communication, Better business, Better life!
Marion Grobb Finkelstein
Keynote Speaker / Corporate Trainer / Author
www.MarionSpeaks.com
Marion@MarionSpeaks.com
www.facebook.com/MarionSpeaks  

© 2011 Marion Grobb Finkelstein
WANT TO USE THIS ARTICLE IN YOUR EZINE OR WEB SITE? You can, as long as you include this complete tagline with it: Communications expert, author, professional speaker Marion Grobb Finkelstein teaches individuals and organizations across Canada and beyond, how to improve their businesses and their lives by improving their communications. Chat with her Facebook www.facebook.com/MarionSpeaks  or sign up for her FREE weekly e-newsletter "Marion's Communication Tips" at www.MarionSpeaks.com

This past weekend, I broke down and bought one of those "Roombas". If you're not familiar with this techno tool, allow me to explain. It's absolute magic for anyone who can't stand housework.  It's a round gadget, about a foot in diametre, that has little wheels and travels around a room automatically vaccumming everything in its path. It's absolutely great. Today, I vaccuummed while I wasn't even home!

As I watched this machine go to work, it was pretty obvious that it knew what it was doing. I soon felt comfortable enough to leave it on its own. A half hour later, the machine beeped that it had completed the room. At that point, I got up, checked the job, cleaned out the machine, then repeated it all over again in another room. Then it struck me and I chuckled at the parallels between this Roomba and how people communicate trust.

Do you manage employees? Supervise volunteers? Delegate to others? Then you know how important trust is. It's the foundation of relationships. Without trust, there is doubt, uncertainty, and untold stress. If you trust people, let them know it. But how? Here's some suggestions:

DELEGATE, DON'T MICRO-MANAGE . All professionals take pride in their work. That's why, whether you delegate or not, you want the end product to be of excellent quality. Sometimes, when we micro-manage, it's because we are coming from a place of fear. The temptation to control every minute detail is immense, because we care. The recipient of this micro-managing reads this behavior as mistrust. In addition, it's discouraging and demotivating to be under the thumb of someone. It allows no room to grow. It's much more productive that you delegate and then, let go.

COMMUNICATE PARAMETRES. If you're working with other people and counting on them to pull their load, make sure you clearlly communicate what you need and when... then leave the "how" up to the people implementing. That doesn't mean they have carte blanche -- it means they can use their creativity and expertise toward common goals.

KEEP ON COMMUNICATING. Build in milestones and checkpoints where you will be advised of the status. If possible, face to face updates are great. They can be formal or informal, depending on the complexity of the project and what you delegated. These milestone touchpoints will assure your comfort level that the task assigned is on track. Trusting someone doesn't mean that you relieve yourself from responsibility. Quite to the contrary. You're still responsible, so staying connected makes sense. Be connected, not crushing.

SUPPORT FROM AFAR. Once you've delegated, let the person know that you're accessible and then, make sure you're available when they need you. Support may come in various forms such as providing training, assuring adequate funding, and being available to provide guidance, approval and decisions. Assuming a hands-off approach doesn't mean abdicating your role as the lead; it means giving enough space for others to do their jobs without being suffocated. The space communicates trust. Being accessible communicates support.

If you want harmonious relationships, trusting -- and communicating that trust -- is essential. Assign the task, then let them go to work and do what they do best. If they "beep" and need your help, check on them and give them the support they need to get them going in the right direction. I'll remember these lessons every time I speak to a client on the subject of delegation ... and every time I use my Roomba. I hope these tips (including the one about the Roomba) help you too.

I'd love to hear your thoughts on how delegating effectively communicates trust. Just post your comments below: 

WHERE ON EARTH IS MARION? In addition to communication coaching and consulting, here's where I'm presenting in the next few months. If you're attending, let me know! Or if I'm coming to your area and your organization is interested in receiving communication training, just drop me a line at Marion@MarionSpeaks.com :   June 8, 2011: OMSSA (Ottawa, Ont) June 15, 2011: Vitalize (Edmonton, Alberta) July 27: IAAP Education Forum and Annual Meeting (Montreal, Quebec)

Until next time, here's to ...
Better communication, Better business, Better life!
Marion Grobb Finkelstein
Keynote Speaker / Corporate Trainer / Author

www.MarionSpeaks.com
Marion@MarionSpeaks.com
www.facebook.com/MarionSpeaks  

© 2011 Marion Grobb Finkelstein
WANT TO USE THIS ARTICLE IN YOUR EZINE OR WEB SITE? You can, as long as you include this complete tagline with it: Communications expert, author, professional speaker Marion Grobb Finkelstein teaches individuals and organizations across Canada and beyond, how to improve their businesses and their lives by improving their communications. Chat with her Facebook www.facebook.com/MarionSpeaks  or sign up for her FREE weekly e-newsletter "Marion's Communication Tips" at www.MarionSpeaks.com