Marion's Communication Tips

Last year I was coaching a team and sharing results from a "rate our team" questionnaire I'd developed and that they had filled in. When rating their areas where they wanted to improve, the number one thing that popped up was, "learning how to ask for help". That was an eye-opener for many around the table.

Asking for help is tough, isn't it? You may fear appearing incompetent. You don't want people to think you were a big fake and don't know something they figure you should (PS: you're not a fake at all - no one knows everything). We keep on telling yourself, "everyone else seems to cope, why can't I?". Well, here's a light-bulb moment ... people who ask for help often get it. Those who don't, suffer silently (or worse yet, not so silently).

Here's some tips on how you can ask for help effectively next time you feel you need it. Give them a try.

TIPS ON ASKING FOR HELP:

• DON'T WHINE. No one wants to hear the "oh poor me" story.
  • Present the details factually. Remove the emotion -- that doesn't mean remove the "human impact". By all means, include that, as it's a vital part of the business case. Avoid being emotional yourself when you describe it.
• MAKE THEM LOOK GOOD. Tell these people what's in it for THEM if they help you.
  • When you present to decision-makers, think about the outcome of what you're suggesting, and link it to how this outcome will make them look good. Once they have a vested interested, bingo -- you've got them hooked. Now they're listening.
• MAKE IT A TRIAL. When you're asking for a commitment, make it bite-size. It's easier for someone to commit to a short-term, low-investment idea. It lowers their risk factor and feels more comfortable.
  • This really works. Some time ago, I had a boss who refused to approve me hiring an administrative assistant. My team and I were being pulled away from core duties and drowning in all the administrative burden. My several requests to hire help fell upon deaf ears. Finally, a colleague suggested to me to hire a "term". The idea of a 6-month commitment was way easier to sell and the very first time I pitched this idea, my boss approved it. After the six months, it became obvious that the admin help was priceless (as every great admin person knows) and what began as a temporary fix became a permanent solution. Asking for a smaller commitment was instrumental in getting what we needed.
• BE BLATANT. Subtlety is wasted on most people. Know exactly what you need and ask for it.
  • One weekend a friend called saying that she was bringing over a few rented movies. She mentioned in passing that it was the last night of her high school's year-end play. After dinner, I asked if she wanted to watch the movie and she again, casually mentioned the play. Upon prodding, poking and probing on my part (eeks, too much work!), I managed to extract from her that she had really wanted to see that play. Unfortunately, it was too late in the night, the play was already started and it was too late for her to speak up. Her hedging around the bush and using indirect communications resulted in frustration and disappointment on both our parts.

You deserve to have your needs heard and met and the first step to that, is giving them a voice.

Until next time, here's to ...
Better communication, Better business, Better life,
Marion Grobb Finkelstein
COMMUNICATION CATALYST
Keynote Speaker / Corporate Trainer / Author
www.MarionSpeaks.com
Marion@MarionSpeaks.com
www.facebook.com/MarionSpeaks  

© 2012 Marion Grobb Finkelstein
WANT TO USE THIS ARTICLE IN YOUR EZINE OR WEB SITE? You can, as long as you include this complete tagline with it: Communication catalyst, author, and professional speaker Marion Grobb Finkelstein teaches individuals and organizations across Canada and beyond, how to improve morale, confidence and productivity by changing how they communicate. Get weekly hands-on tips by signing up for "Marion's Communication Tips" at www.MarionSpeaks.com

The Art of Proper "Complaining"

It happened to me just today. I was in a line-up at a large big box store (I won't mention the name - suffice to say they have lots of food samples, and endless lines at the cashier). I did a quick sweep, got the items on my list and headed for the cashier with the shortest line-up. None of them were short ... I said, "shortest".

After waiting what seemed like an inordinate amount of time, I realized that there seemed to be some complication with ringing through the gentleman at the front of the line. Maybe it was his card or the price on some item, I'm not sure. All I know is that help had to come and sort through.

Meanwhile, the line behind me grew ... and grew impatient, myself included. I had a presentation to finalize, photocopies to make, handouts to get ready. I wanted to leave. Perhaps it was this sense of urgency I had (and their lack of it) that heightened my sensibilities. I noticed things I wanted to complain about.

I couldn't hold it inside anymore. I turned to the guy behind me, a young chap in his 20s, and said, "wow, I can't believe that there are such lineups at every cashier, yet they have a couple cashes closed. Why on earth would they do that?".

He looked at me somewhat puzzled. OK, maybe "puzzled" is being kind. His expression shouted, "why is this woman speaking to me?", and you know something - he was right. He might have thought I was looking for him to somehow magically solve the problem. I wasn't. I was simply satisfying my need to vent and looking for some consensus regarding how ridiculous this wait was.

In that moment it hit me. I was reminded of what I tell my clients before they assert themselves and speak up:

Decide whether you want a solution or just need to vent.

In the words of Stephen Covey, "Begin with the end". Know WHY you feel the urge to speak up. It's really not complaining. It's satisfying a need. You either want to find an answer to a troubling question or you want emotional validation.The two reasons take on different approaches.

Letting the other person know the outcome you're expecting is helpful. This way, they know how to respond. Do you want a listening ear and validation? Or do you want some options and solutions?

Of course, if venting is your objective, turning to friends and people who know you is infinitely more effective than some young guy in a grocery line-up, though both serve the purpose of finding reassurance that your position is valid and can be seen and appreciated by others. Sometimes, that validation alone is enough.

If it's a solution you're looking for, that's very different. Turning to those who know you or are in a similar situation may feel good, but it's not going to do anything toward solving the problem. Instead, speak to a decision-maker, someone in a position to create change in the area of concern. Sometimes ferreting out who this person is can be a challenge in itself, especially in large, bureaucratic organizations. A great approach is to start with the phrase,

"I'm hoping you can help me."

It puts people in "receive mode", gives them esteem in that you're elevating their position to one seen as someone who has the power to assist, and it's respectful and polite.

Next time you feel the need to "complain", think of it instead as asserting yourself. Decide what you want before you start and I assure you, it will increase your chances that you'll get it. Now, wouldn't you rather be known as a strong, assertive communicator rather than a complainer? Now you have one more tool to do exactly that.

Until next time, here's to ...
Better communication, Better business, Better life,
Marion Grobb Finkelstein
COMMUNICATION CATALYST
Keynote Speaker / Corporate Trainer / Author
www.MarionSpeaks.com
Marion@MarionSpeaks.com
www.facebook.com/MarionSpeaks  

© 2011 Marion Grobb Finkelstein
WANT TO USE THIS ARTICLE IN YOUR EZINE OR WEB SITE? You can, as long as you include this complete tagline with it: Communication specialist, author, professional speaker Marion Grobb Finkelstein teaches individuals and organizations across Canada and beyond, how to improve morale, confidence and productivity by changing how they communicate. Chat with her at www.facebook.com/MarionSpeaks and sign up for her FREE weekly "Marion's Communication Tips" at www.MarionSpeaks.com

Are You Saying "Sorry" Too Much?

When was the last time you said "sorry" ... to a piece of furniture? You bump into something or someone and the first words out of your mouth are, "I'm sorry". There are other options that might serve you better.

I recently had the pleasure of spending a laugh-filled week vacationing with a dear friend. Spending 24/7 with someone allows you the chance to become very familiar with their speech habits (or maybe it's just me who notices speech patterns because communication is "my thing"?). I found that my friend was saying "sorry", a lot.

We'd be driving somewhere and she'd mention a certain store she wanted to go to. "No problem", I'd say, adjusting the route as we drove. "Sorry", she said. For what? In case she inconvenienced me (she didn't).

I mentioned I was hungry because we were out shopping all day and missed the dinner hour. She said, "I'm sorry", implying that she was the reason we were late. I explained that there was no reason to be sorry -- I was a big girl and if I'd really wanted to eat, I would have.

I bought a little black dress she suggested I try on. In spite of my initial protests that I already had several LBDs, this one fit like a glove and I couldn't resist -- I bought it. The next day, she said, "Sorry I made you buy that dress". Nope, you didn't make me do anything. I exercised my own free will and take full responsibility for my decisions. No need to be sorry, especially when you were coming from a place of love and support.

How about you? Are you saying "sorry" when you really don't need to? My personal observation has been that women say "sorry" far more than men, and science now confirms this hunch to be true.

A colleague (thanks Grazina) shared with me that the September 2011 online issue of Psychology Science features a study involving 66 subjects over a 12-day period. These people self-reported the number of times they apologized and yes, women said it more often. The interesting point was that this study suggested that women may have a different definition of what is offensive and thus, feel compelled to apologize. (Conversely, this ability to read to between the lines and pick up on tone and nuance may also result in women feeling slighted when no insult was intended at all. Watch out ladies).

In a second study referenced in an article by Christie Nicholson of Scientific American online, three separate offences were rated by 120 subjects on a seven-point scale. Women consistently rated the three offences as more severe than men did. She explains, "Turns out that men are just as likely as women to apologize for a given offense, but their threshold for thinking they have committed an offense is higher".

There is certainly a time and place for "sorry" and frankly, some people need to say it more often. However, if you find yourself on the other end of the spectrum, before you utter that "sorry" word next time, consider these points:

• You don't need to say "sorry" when you're not responsible
• Instead of "sorry", say "excuse me"
• You have a right to do and say what you wish, as long as you do so respectfully. No need to apologize for being yourself.
  

I hope that this gives you permission to stop apologizing if you find yourself doing so too much. And if you can't break the habit, well then, that's a real sorry situation ... that will improve with practice. Nothing to be sorry about.

Until next time, here's to ...
Better communication, Better business, Better life,
Marion Grobb Finkelstein
COMMUNICATION CATALYST
Keynote Speaker / Corporate Trainer / Author
www.MarionSpeaks.com
Marion@MarionSpeaks.com
www.facebook.com/MarionSpeaks  

© 2011 Marion Grobb Finkelstein
WANT TO USE THIS ARTICLE IN YOUR EZINE OR WEB SITE? You can, as long as you include this complete tagline with it: Communication specialist, author, professional speaker Marion Grobb Finkelstein teaches individuals and organizations across Canada and beyond, how to improve morale, confidence and productivity by changing how they communicate. Chat with her at www.facebook.com/MarionSpeaks and sign up for her FREE weekly "Marion's Communication Tips" at www.MarionSpeaks.com

Replace Credibility Stoppers with Credibility Starters

Do you ever wonder about the words you use and the impact they have on how people perceive you? Whether you realize it or not, your choice of words may not be serving you well. You may be undermining your communication.

How you speak and the words you use do one of two things:

build your credibility or rob you of it.

There are many ways that people erode their credibility. One of the most prevalent credibility stoppers I see (and ladies, pay attention, because we tend to do this more then men ...) is what I call "uptalk" .This is when everything a person says sounds like a question. Think California “valley girls” and teenage girls of almost any North American location who end just about every phrase with an upward inflection. Not only is this speech pattern incredibly distracting, it robs you of your credibility.

You may recognize what I mean by "uptalk". You hear other people do it and you know how distracting it can be. What you may not realize is if YOU are using it or not. Here's three ways to discover if you do so or not:

HOW TO DISCOVER IF YOU USE "UPTALK" OR NOT:

1) Have a colleague be your "uptalk" counter

2) Record yourself

3) Become aware and listen to yourself

The best way to critique any aspect of your communication, is to have a trusted source be your ears and eyes and provide constructive feedback. Select your colleague wisely and make sure that his or her communication style meets your needs. If you're looking for bottom line, give-me-the-facts feedback, find someone who can give you that gets right to it. Alternately, if you respond more effectively to a gentle and nurturing approach, look around for a colleague who approaches communication in that fashion.

Recording yourself is an excellent method to become painfully aware if uptalk has found its way into your vernacular. Listen to your outgoing voicemail message. Next time you leave a voicemail to someone, listen to it before you leave it -- check it for any uptalk and if you find any, re-record it until there is none. If you're doing a presentation or attending a meeting, discreetly clip a mic to your lapel and record til your heart's content. I often record my presentations and become painfully aware of all my speaking idiosyncrasies. You will too.

Finally, and perhaps most difficult, is simply being aware and noticing when you use uptalk. Listen to yourself. Be in the moment. Be a detective of your own speech pattern. If you find you are using uptalk, avoid the temptation to whip yourself. Instead, comment yourself for noticing! Pat yourself on the back every time you are aware of your own uptalk, because being aware that you just said it is just one step away from being aware just BEFORE you say it. And that's progress.

REPLACE UPTALK WITH CREDIBILITY STARTERS

To communicate with confidence, end your sentences firmly on a down note. Try it now. Say, “I have a red car?” (up-talk). It’s tentative, questioning, and in its most extreme use, speaking like this may make you sound a little (how to say this politely?) flighty, ditsy, airhead-like and most certainly, uncertain. Now try the very same sentence ending on a down note, "I have a red car". It’s strong, affirmative, powerful. Which impression would you prefer to give?

Uptalk may be stopping you from presenting a confident self-image to others. And if it is, now you now what to do about it (said with a "down note" -- that's a statement, not a question, because I know it to be true. Try it and see for yourself). 

Comments about this article? Go one and post them on my blog at http://www.marionspeaks.com/_blog/Marions_Communication_Tips

PS: I'm planning a special series of sessions I'm anxious to tell you about. Stay tuned in the next few weeks for some exciting news!

Until next time, here's to ...
Better communication, Better business, Better life,
Marion Grobb Finkelstein
COMMUNICATION CATALYST
Keynote Speaker / Corporate Trainer / Author
www.MarionSpeaks.com
Marion@MarionSpeaks.com
www.facebook.com/MarionSpeaks  

© 2011 Marion Grobb Finkelstein
WANT TO USE THIS ARTICLE IN YOUR EZINE OR WEB SITE? You can, as long as you include this complete tagline with it: Communication specialist, author, professional speaker Marion Grobb Finkelstein teaches individuals and organizations across Canada and beyond, how to improve morale, confidence and productivity by changing how they communicate. Chat with her at www.facebook.com/MarionSpeaks and sign up for her FREE weekly "Marion's Communication Tips" at www.MarionSpeaks.com

Why People Interrupt (and what to do about it)

Have you ever been speaking with a colleague, client, boss or employee and it seems no matter what you do, you keep getting interrupted? You begin a sentence, then suddenly, someone jumps in to complete it. Even if the person is right on target with your thoughts, you find it frustrating. Worse yet, is when the interrupter takes your half-finished thought in a completely different direction than you'd intended. And he or she would have known that, if he or she had only let you finish without interrupting. Grrrrrrrr ...

Maddening, isn't it? Makes you feel like you're not being heard. If it happens often enough, you may even stop injecting comments into the conversation. "Why bother?", you tell yourself, "I'm only going to be cut off". Soon you convince yourself it's not worth the effort. Further, you conclude that the person interrupting is an insensitive boar who is so intent on getting his or her message out, that they walk all over yours. 

The end result? Your relationship suffers. You feel a great sense of disconnect toward this person, perhaps even anger and resentment.

At a moment like this, you have a choice. You can allow negative emotions to usurp you, or you can choose an alternate path (and I hope you choose this one):  you can shift your thinking by asking yourself if their behavior is intentional. 
  
COMMUNICATION TIP: ASK YOURSELF IF THEY INTEND TO OFFEND? (They probably don't).

Connecting with others and communicating well begins with considering the other person's perspective. At the root of relationships is a magic seed called, "intent". Sometimes people can be painfully irritating AND simultaneously, blissfully unaware. If there is no deliberate intent on their part, it makes the behavior much more tolerable -- not necessarily acceptable, just tolerable. It will buy you a little more patience for them and their behavior if you acknowledge that you are not being deliberately targeted. They are not deliberately setting out to irritate. So why spend your limited energy being offended when none was intended?

It may be how they process.

• Here's the reality: some people interrupt because it's how they process and interpret information. In their exuberance to show you they're on the same wavelength as you, in an effort to express enthusiasm in the subject at hand, they interrupt and ironically sabotage their very efforts to connect with you. It's not meant to be rude or disrespectful. Actually, quite to the contrary -- it's often intended as a sign that they are actively engaged in what you're saying. They want to demonstrate to you that they understand so well what you're saying, that they complete the sentence for you.

It may come from a place of service.

• If you are the type of communicator that requires long pauses between thoughts as you process information, you might unknowingly be inviting this interrupting behavior. Sometimes people interrupt thinking that a prolonged pause is an invitation to fill in the blank. Or they believe they are helping provide a service to find the words for what they see as you grappling. They fill in the blanks, the voids, the dead air with thoughts they believe you are trying to express.

It may be time pressures.

• Other times, people are just rushed and need to speed up the communication process and get on to the other million tasks that beckon them. Interrupting is their way, albeit ineffective, of keeping the conversation moving at breakneck speed. They are juggling so many balls and are so time-crunched, they are oblivious as to how they are potentially damaging a relationship so they can run to the next urgent matter yelling for their attention.

It may be anger or frustration.

• If someone has tried several times to speak up and feels that they are not being heard, they may resort to interrupting. It's not right or necessarily effective. It is, however, a very human response, and we all do it from time to time. Ask yourself if this person is constantly interrupting you, or is it only when you're discussing certain volatile, emotional subjects? If he or she is angry or passionate about the subject being discussed, as frustrating as you being interrupted may be, it's less about you than it is about his or her need to be heard. It's not necessarily against you; it's for them.

POINT: people seldom interrupt with the specific intent of irritating you. 

Once you understand that we're all different, it helps to build bridges between communication styles. If you're dealing with someone who interrupts, you might not be able to change his or her behavior, but you can sure change yours. If you find you're constantly being interrupted by all types of people, it might be YOUR communication style that needs tweaking. Here's some suggestions:

    1)  Speak faster
    2)  Invite comments before you complete your thought
    3)  Ask the interrupter to give you a sec to finish what you were saying

It all begins with how you think. Take responsibility for that piece and your role in the communication dance, and you'll be amazed at how you can change the dynamics between you and others.

PS: Have comments on this article? Post them below in our blog.

IS YOUR ORGANIZATION PLANNING A CONFERENCE OR RETREAT? Need a dynamic speaker at your next gathering? Let's chat! Just drop me a line at Marion@MarionSpeaks.com

Until next time,
Better communication, better business, better life,
Marion Grobb Finkelstein
COMMUNICATION CATALYST
Marion@MarionSpeaks.com
www.MarionSpeaks.com
www.facebook.com/MarionSpeaks

 © 2011 Marion Grobb Finkelstein
WANT TO USE THIS ARTICLE IN YOUR EZINE OR WEB SITE? You can, as long as you include this complete tagline with it: Communications expert, author, professional speaker Marion Grobb Finkelstein teaches individuals and organizations across Canada and beyond, how to improve their businesses and their lives by improving their communications. Chat with her Facebook www.facebook.com/MarionSpeaks  or sign up for her FREE weekly e-newsletter "Marion's Communication Tips" at www.MarionSpeaks.com

THE 24-HOUR RULE

Have you ever found yourself in that awkward situation where you’re disappointed, upset or angry with someone and you don’t know quite how to tell them? It happens everyday in workplaces across the country.

When a situation is especially volatile, emotions run high, and when emotions run high, people say things they probably shouldn't. When you feel threatened, attacked or think you have a lot to lose, your instinct may be to run and hide (flight) or to fight back, hard. Running away is seldom the right thing to do, though it does have its place. Perhaps putting up a fight is exactly the right response, though replying with a knee-jerk, angst-filled reaction is not. It just won't serve you well.

Susan was a manager is a large national non-profit organization. She worked very closely with other managers and was quite successful at getting things done through influence, as she had no direct authority over the divisions of her peers. She got along with everyone except one. His name was David and he was a son-of-a-gun.

David would respond to Susan's email with point-by-point lengthy rebuttals. He would cc a barrage of people on emails which appeared to Susan as though he were grandstanding in front of an audience. Instead of working collaboratively, it appeared that he fought her solid, well-presented recommendations every step of the way.

Susan's normal response was to reply politely, professionally and promptly to David's emails that came to feel like public attacks. To break the email monotony and in the hopes of making a personal connection, every now and then she picked up the phone and responded immediately verbally then followed up with a written reply. All this was taking enormous amounts of energy and time. The opportunity cost was that Susan came in early and worked late to stay on top of the rest of her workload. It was exhausting and sucked the fun out of going in to the office every day. Every time it seemed that Susan reached out to reply to David, her hand was slapped.

Then she had an epiphany: change the dance.

After too many sleepless nights, Susan realized that she could change the dynamics of her working relationship with David by changing how she responded to him. No more would she respond immediately, especially on volatile subjects. She decided she would apply the "24-hour rule". That is, she would draft or think about her response then sit on it for 24 hours before sending it. It worked. David continued dashing off detail-laden emails, several a day, and when he got no immediate response, the emails slowed down. Susan's responses were less harried, more strategic and general in nature, and the 24-hour rule gave her more time to tend to her many other duties.

Perhaps you've found yourself in a situation similar to Susan (true story, names have been changed) where you've felt pressured to respond, or you were so upset you wanted to respond immediately. Something angers you and you feel you must reply to preserve your reputation or to present your argument before a decision is made or an action taken. Sometimes time really is of the essence, though, more often, waiting a day to respond is completely reasonable.

COMMUNICATION TIP: Apply the 24-hour rule. Give yourself time before you respond.

When dealing with a prickly, emotionally charged subject, cool your jets before you communicate. Give yourself 24 hours to breathe, to step back, gain perspective and plan how you will best connect. Then, once you've had a chance to gather your thoughts and compile a response that's going to work best for you and others, move to action. This measured approach will save relationships ... and careers.

I have found the “24-hour” rule to be invaluable. It has helped me many times over the years. And it’s available to help you too. Before responding with knee-jerk emotion, before picking up the phone or pushing “send” on the email, give it 24 hours. You’ll appreciate the difference a day makes. So will your colleague on the receiving end.

Comments about this article? Share them below by posting a blog.

Until next time, here's to ...
Better communication, Better business, Better life,
Marion Grobb Finkelstein
COMMUNICATION CATALYST
Keynote Speaker / Corporate Trainer / Author
www.MarionSpeaks.com
Marion@MarionSpeaks.com
www.facebook.com/MarionSpeaks

© 2011 Marion Grobb Finkelstein
WANT TO USE THIS ARTICLE IN YOUR EZINE OR WEB SITE? You can, as long as you include this complete tagline with it: Communications expert, author, professional speaker Marion Grobb Finkelstein teaches individuals and organizations across Canada and beyond, how to improve morale, confidence and productivity by changing how they communicate. Chat with her at www.facebook.com/MarionSpeaks or sign up for her FREE weekly e-newsletter "Marion's Communication Tips" at www.MarionSpeaks.com

Have you ever found yourself in that awkward situation where you’re disappointed, upset or angry with someone and you don’t know quite how to tell them? This could help …

DECIDING WHEN TO SPEAK UP
One of the toughest things for us to know is when to speak our minds and when to bite our tongues. There really is no hard and fast rule because there are so many variables involved, not the least of which are your own personal comfort level and communication style. That being said, there are some guidelines that may help you decide if the time to speak up is now. You may find that saying the tough things may be your right choice under the following conditions:

• If the person's actions are negatively affecting your life 
• If the person's right to behave how he/she wishes infringes on your rights
• If you are speaking up on behalf of others who feel, for whatever reason, that they are not in a position to speak up for themselves
• If the behaviour goes beyond reasonable expectation of professional people
• If the questionable behaviour is repeated again and again
• If you know you'll regret it if you say nothing

Understanding why people are behaving the way they do is a wonderful starting point for communications. Even when you disagree with a behaviour, step back and consider the motivation, the reason why someone is behaving as he or she does. It may be a very dysfunctional reason that manifests itself in an ugly behaviour that is not serving the person or those around him or her well -- and they may not even realize it.

A relative of mine used to walk out in the middle of discussions when he wasn't in agreement, instead of staying and talking it through to a mutual resolution. This approach worked for him because he left when he was frustrated. It didn't work for the people left behind. His behaviour was tolerated for decades, until one time this relative offered a comment almost in passing, that shed great light. He said that his father used to beat his mother and he promised himself as a young boy that he would never allow himself to get that angry. Ahhh, understanding. This event explained his behaviour, it did not excuse it. His running away from conflict worked for him; it left us puzzled, frustrated and feeling like we were always walking on eggshells afraid to "upset" this man. Then one day, the inevitable happened ... a straw broke the camel's back. A fairly insignificant event snowballed out of proportion and he and his family refused to talk about it or to others. Regrettably, the relationship wasn't strong enough to withstand this challenge and he and his family have decided that they don't want to talk to a good portion of our relatives. A tough price to pay because we spoke up too late and because his family likely missed opportunities to speak up as well, along the way. Perhaps if we had said something decades ago explaining how his behaviour looked and felt, perhaps if he had explained why he was acting as he was, perhaps we would all still be communicating and he wouldn't have spent his life giving the cold shoulder to one relative or another. A sad life lesson.

After you understand possible reasons "why" the offending action may be occurring, balance that with this fact:

• the "why" of a behaviour is an explanation, not an excuse.

Why someone behaves a certain way is no excuse for the behaviour. And if that behaviour is negatively impacting you, you have a right to speak up. In fact, one may argue that you have the responsibility to do so. If you never speak up, if no one ever does, how is this person to know how his or her actions may be received as hurtful, ineffective or disrepectful? Maybe they would be well served if someone provided them with this insight. Maybe that someone, is you. 

HOW TO SAY THE TOUGH THINGS
Let's face it, it's tough to say the tough things. People don't want to hear that someone disagrees with something they've done or said. Although difficult, saying the tough things is not impossible. Once you know it's the right thing to do and you've decided to take the brave step to share your concerns, here's some tips to keep in mind that will increase the chances of a positive outcome: 

• Describe the questionable behaviour. Give real "when you ..." examples. Be specific so the person knows exactly the behaviour that stung, that didn't feel right, and that prompted you to speak up.
• Describe the impact. Explain how it made you feel. Often people don't realize how their actions impact others. Let them know.
• Acknowledge why the behaviour may be occurring. Enunciate to the person that you acknowledge why they may have behaved the way they did. Often the motivation is justifiable -- how the action manifests itself is not. Allow them to save face and demonstrate that you validate their feelings and motivations.
• Begin by validating the other person’s position or difficulty (at least to yourself): See the world from their perspective – everyone behaves the way they do for a reason, so take a walk in their shoes. Acknowledge to whatever degree possible, the reasons why a person may be behaving a certain way, e.g., “I know you may not realize how this is affecting me and you're just trying a new office procedure to improve cost-effectiveness …” Extending a tip of the hat in acknowledgement goes miles for building relationships. And after all, isn’t that the objective and outcome of great communications?
• Describe the desired behaviour. Saying only what you don't like isn't enough. Accompany the description of the "problem" with a solution. You can do that in the form of describing alternative actions that you believe would be more effective.
• Attack the behaviour, not the person. Don't personalize your comments or make it about the person. Keep it to the actions and behaviours.
• Come from a place of support. Boy, it's tough to think of the other person's perspective when you believe that he or she has crossed a boundary. However, putting aside the emotion and focusing on the relationship will always put you on solid ground.
• Give yourself time:  When dealing with a volatile, emotional subject, cool your jets before you communicate. Give yourself breathing space to step back and plan how you will best communicate. Sometimes that means a few minutes. Sometimes 24 hours. Sometimes several days. In extreme cases, it means years. Take the time you need while ensuring that you don't take so much time thinking about it, that you miss the opportunity to speak.

Be aware that when you do speak up, regardless of how respectfully and professionally you express yourself, few people will thank you. In fact, most will resent your statement. With time, if they have the maturity and the capacity, hopefully they'll see the grain of truth in what you're sharing. It's the handful of a chosen few who are able to hear feedback about their actions and not get defensive. Some will go on the attack and lash out at you, sometimes citing completely unrelated actions you have done. It's not pretty, so toughen up. Saying the tough things doesn't come with a trophy. There are no tangible rewards, just the knowledge that you asserted yourself when most would not. You spoke up for yourself and possibly for those who couldn't speak for themselves.

Do you have tough things that you want to communicate to someone? If you're faced with a difficult situation, Identify what approach works best for YOU. Pay attention to what that little voice inside your head is saying. It will tell you if it's time to speak up and it will guide you how to do it constructively. Use the tips above and saying the tough things will be a little less tough.

© 2011 Marion Grobb Finkelstein
WANT TO USE THIS ARTICLE IN YOUR EZINE OR WEB SITE? You can, as long as you include this complete tagline with it: Communications Catalyst, author, professional speaker Marion Grobb Finkelstein helps individuals and organizations across Canada and beyond raise morale, confidence and productivity by changing how they communicate. Chat with her on www.facebook.com/MarionSpeaks or sign up for her FREE weekly e-newsletter "Marion's Communication Tips" at www.MarionSpeaks.com

Every now and then, I get a question that so many people have asked (or want to ask), that I simply want to share it with all of you. This is one of those delicate communication situations described below. Perhaps you've found yourself in this awkward position or you will someday. Read on, and you'll have some suggestions with how to handle it.

QUESTION:

I was wondering how to approach employees on personal hygiene issues.  It's not that the individuals are dirty or filthy but rather don't use personal anti-perspirants due to whatever reason. I have other employees commenting on "how ripe" the smell is on some days!  I'd like to discuss this with the individuals and wondered how to handle it.
Signed, Holding my breath until I get an answer.

MARION'S RESPONSE:

What a tough situation -- talk about having to communicate a difficult message! Rest assured, you're not alone. I've known several people who have handled this predicament. Here's some principles of good communications and tactics I would suggest:

1. SET THE TONE: Before you do anything, get your head in the right place -- come from a place of service, not judgement. You are speaking to this person because you have information that will help them (I'll explain how in a sec). Keep the mood light and casual. If you're nervous about speaking to them, remind yourself that you're doing this to support them, not to make them feel bad. Remind yourself of the outcome you want to see -- improved relationships, better productivity (it's hard to be productive when people don't want to be around you), and maintaining the person's dignity.

2. SPEAK IN PRIVATE. You mention "individuals" (plural) -- meet with each one separately and privately. If your workspace doesn't have a door, find a corner somewhere that you can meet without anyone hearing. No one needs to know that you're speaking to them. This is a sensitive issue and the intent is to treat it delicately and respectfully. Keep it short, brief, friendly and authoritative (you're the boss, right?)

3. WHAT TO SAY. The two golden rules of offering feedback:

            1) the person feel better for having heard it; and

            2) They know what to do to improve.

With this in mind:

a) Let them know the situation

b) Explain the impact it's having on THEM (i.e., their operational effectiveness) and others and (here's the important part) why it's in their best interest to change.

c) let them know you're there to help, you support them

d) close with a thank you and how much you value them.

A few cautions:

a) Make no reference to what might be causing the body odor, or anything that might end you up in the HR or lawyer's office -- that is, make no reference to culture, gender, weight, or anything else that you might see as contributing factors. These things could be seen as personal attacks, and that's not the intent.

b) Be approachable while being matter-of-fact

c) Allow them to save face, not be embarrassed.

It could sound something like this:

"Debbie/John (fill in the blank), I wanted to speak to you because I've noticed something I think you'll want to hear. Please know that I say this in the spirit of support and because you deserve to connect with colleagues and clients to the greatest extent possible.

I find that when I'm near you, I smell perspiration or body odour. I don't know what's causing it, all I know is that I'm concerned it's affecting your ability to interact with colleagues and clients.

You deserve to feel comfortable around others, so taking care of this piece is just another way to connect. There's lots of products you can try until you find a combination that works for you. If you have any questions, I'm not an expert but I'll certainly answer questions and help you as much as I can.

I appreciate the fact that we can speak candidly. So, let me know how it's going and if you have any questions, let me know."

Hope that helps. Let me know how it goes!

(PS: Hey, if you're reading this and have had a similar incident, post your comments and let us know what you did and how it turned out... or if you're going to use the approach suggested above).

Do you ever lose your cool? Ah, c'mon, honestly now. If you say, "no", you're fibbing. Everyone loses it, sometimes. It's normal. It's natural. And it can be a career stopper if you let it. Losing your cool alters not just the effectiveness of your communications --  it can alter your relationships forever. The key is controlling your temper, before it controls you.

This past Sunday night, I grabbed my cuppa tea and nestled into the couch for our weekly ritual -- watching "The Apprentice". I love observing the communication between all the players and find the drama of interpersonal dynamics fascinating. This week did not disappoint. At the top of the show, Nene, a rather brash and outspoken woman, went completely ballistic on Star Jones. What an scene! And she did it right in front of the client launching the challenge for the two competing teams. At that point, I had to wonder if the client wrote off Nene's team (Nene was Project Leader) because of her outburst. Have you ever been discounted or discounted someone else due to a temper tantrum?

In the workplace, the tension and stress levels can be quite similar to this scenario, though we might contain it with a little more class. Few people (thankfully) behave as bombastically as Nene did. That doesn't mean that we don't sometimes fantasize doing so. The challenge is, how to control your temper when you feel so frustrated you could scream? These tips will get you on your way:

• LISTEN TO YOUR BODY AND BREATHE: Be aware of the stress signals your body is sending you. Be in the moment and conscious of what's happening. Cortisone is coursing through your veins, your blood pressure is soaring, and chances are, you're holding your breath. The antidote? Breathe. Breathe mindfully and deeply. Feel the stress drain from your being. Your body will thank you, and it will help you gain back control.

• REMEMBER THE BIG PICTURE AND FIND SOMETHING YOU LIKE: When colleagues push your buttons, chances are they don't even realize they're doing so. Normally, there is no intent at all to drive you nuts (unless they're "bullies", and that's a whole other ball game). In the absence of anything proving otherwise, assume that your antagonist's actions are not deliberate. Think about your relationship with this person as a whole, and consider this action that is prompting your potential outburst as an isolated incident. Even if this person has pushed your buttons before, consider this incident, whatever it might be, as a small portion of the whole relationship. Remember the good parts, gain perspective.

• POLITELY EXCUSE YOURSELF AND REMOVE YOURSELF: If you can't contain yourself, remove yourself. You know when you're about to lose it, so read the signs and put yourself in a place where you can regain control. If that means taking a "time out", do it. If you don't know your limits and aren't sure when you're reaching your boiling point, educate yourself -- become a student of your own emotional barometer, and know the warning signs before you surrender to your outburst.

•  HOLD YOUR TEMPER NOT FOR THEM ... DO IT FOR YOU. No one wants to witness your temper tantrum, no matter how justifiable it may be in your mind. Such outbursts could distance you from other colleagues -- they may not want to be associated with someone known as "hot-headed". Your losing your cool may damage not only one relationship you have, but many. Put a lid on it, not just out of respect for the other person (whether they deserve it or not) -- do it out of respect for yourself, your relationships, and your career. Keeping your cool will best serve you.

•  REMEMBER, YOU CAN'T UNRING THE BELL. Once words are spoken, they cannot be taken back. They irrevocably change relationships. Even with apologies and explanations, the words still hang there in the air, often pushing people apart and nudging them further mired into their polar-opposite positions. When speaking in anger, people share the unvarnished secrets of their darkest hearts, without benefit of tact and diplomacy. It can be ugly and distasteful. The price for that fleeting moment of "feel good" may be a lifetime of regret. COMM TIP: Watch the words you spit out because one day, you may have to swallow them.

In the final analysis, losing your temper won't serve you well. It will destroy relationships and paint you as an unprofessional hot-head. Regardless of what you think of the other person, don't you deserve more? Hold your tongue, hold your relationships.

PS: I'd love to hear your thoughts about how holding your temper. Just post your comments below. 

Until next time, here's to ...
Better communication, Better business, Better life!
Marion Grobb Finkelstein
Keynote Speaker / Corporate Trainer / Author
www.MarionSpeaks.com
Marion@MarionSpeaks.com
www.facebook.com/MarionSpeaks  

© 2011 Marion Grobb Finkelstein
WANT TO USE THIS ARTICLE IN YOUR EZINE OR WEB SITE? You can, as long as you include this complete tagline with it: Communications expert, author, professional speaker Marion Grobb Finkelstein teaches individuals and organizations across Canada and beyond, how to improve their businesses and their lives by improving their communications. Chat with her Facebook www.facebook.com/MarionSpeaks  or sign up for her FREE weekly e-newsletter "Marion's Communication Tips" at www.MarionSpeaks.com

I often get emails from people asking some excellent communication-related questions. Many of you are likely wondering the same things, so I'll be responding to these questions from time to time via my "Marion's Communication Tips" enewsletter. If you have a question or communication challenge you'd like to share, drop me a line at Marion@MarionSpeaks.com and you might be featured in a future edition. (PS: I use first names only and always ask permission to use your story first. I also may take a few editing liberties to shorten the text). And now, on to this week's question ...

QUESTION: "Marion, your recent newsletter about (the importance of) response times brought a flood of instances to mind where I was less than prompt getting back to clients. I met with a client the other day -- 10 days after our initial contact. Files just pile up, not to mention having to act as team lead and fill in extra shifts while co-workers were on holiday. I find myself having to make excuses for why I haven't contacted people sooner. I suppose the right thing to do would have been to take a few minutes to let her know I hadn't forgotten about her."
Signed, Overwhelmed in Edmonton  

MARION'S RESPONSE:
Dear Overwhelmed, you are not alone. It seems everyone these days is expected to do more with less. The proverbial "fat" has been cut so severely in some organizations, that the powers that be have succeeded in cutting into muscle. It's difficult to live in an environment of increasing expectations and reduced resources. And this type of workplace defintely puts a strain on how we communicate. Stress always does. So here's some tips:

• MANAGE EXPECTATIONS -- BEGIN WITH YOURS. You can only do what you can do. Even the most organized and productive person has a breaking point. Know what your boundaries are and when you're approaching them, then tell yourself it's OK to admit that you're human. Set challenging and reasonable goals for yourself and allow yourself some breathing and "contingency" room to get things done.
• MANAGE EXPECTATIONS -- THEIRS. Once you know what your timelines and boundaries are, communicate that to the person waiting for your response. They might not like being told that you'll be getting back to them next week instead of tomorrow. They might even be upset and disappointed. Even this is better than them thinking you're responding tomorrow and them getting more angry by the day when you don't respond for a week. As difficult as it may be, explain the reality. No communication at all is a void, and if you don't fill it with information and expectation, the client will fill it with anxiety, anger and disappointment. And those emotions destroy relationships ... and business.
• MEET EXPECTATIONS -- BOTH OF YOURS. Now that you've set the expectations, make sure you meet them. When you say you're going to do something, do it. It's as simple as that. That's how you build credibility and distinguish yourself from the competition. Much better to have a client, colleague, boss or employee dealing with a realistic expectation and you meeting it, than just thinking you're not responding at all. It lowers the stress for both of you.

For the past month or so, I've been shopping for "just the right" couch. I finally found one last week. It was the right colour (well, OK, it's a tad darker than I'd like -- life is full of compromises, right?), the right size (maybe just a smidgen too large, though it still fits), the right price (hey, leather's expensive so a higher price is justifiable, isn't it?) ... and then the delivery date. What?! Eight to ten weeks? Are you kidding me?

At first, I couldn't believe the lengthy waiting period. We have already sold our old couches and are watching TV in the rec room downstairs while our upstairs family room is being renovated. As nostalgic as this "college dorm" look is, I wasn't planning on two and a half months of this. Then the salesman said something that made a lot of sense. He explained, "Most other furniture places will tell you they'll deliver in 6 to 8 weeks, but that's just not so. We tell people 8 to 10 weeks, because that's what it really is. And if you get it early, bonus."

He was absolutely right. Now I know that we'll be a couple months without our furniture and I'm planning on using that time to paint, refinish the floors, and choose accessories. In other words -- he communicated a realistic situation and managed my expectations. I, in turn, am grateful to him for being upfront. You can use this same technique with your clients and work mates. I think this approach sets that furniture company apart from many others. You can position yourself uniquely too, just by being upfront about managing expectations.

When you find yourself overwhelmed and simply unable to respond when you (or they) hoped, let the people know. You deserve to be relieved of undue stress and your client deserves an answer, if only to advise them when you'll respond in full. That's managing expectations, stress, and relationships. Allow yourself some breathing room and keep others up to date. Now, that's worth communicating.

WHERE ON EARTH IS MARION? In addition to communication coaching and consulting, here's where I'm presenting in the next few months. If you're attending, let me know! Or if I'm coming to your area and your organization is interested in receiving communication training, just drop me a line at Marion@MarionSpeaks.com :   June 8, 2011: OMSSA (Ottawa, Ont) June 15, 2011: Vitalize (Edmonton, Alberta) July 27: IAAP Education Forum and Annual Meeting (Montreal, Quebec)

Until next time, here's to ...
Better communication, Better business, Better life!
Marion Grobb Finkelstein
Keynote Speaker / Corporate Trainer / Author

www.MarionSpeaks.com
Marion@MarionSpeaks.com
www.facebook.com/MarionSpeaks  

© 2011 Marion Grobb Finkelstein
WANT TO USE THIS ARTICLE IN YOUR EZINE OR WEB SITE? You can, as long as you include this complete tagline with it: Communications expert, author, professional speaker Marion Grobb Finkelstein teaches individuals and organizations across Canada and beyond, how to improve their businesses and their lives by improving their communications. Chat with her Facebook www.facebook.com/MarionSpeaks  or sign up for her FREE weekly e-newsletter "Marion's Communication Tips" at www.MarionSpeaks.com