Marion's Communication Tips

Happy Leap Year! Tomorrow you get a precious extra day in the year. A whole 24 hours to do with as you please.

How are you going to use that extra time to change how you communicate?

What aspect of your communications would you like to hone? What's really getting under your skin - not about how others communicate, but rather, about how YOU communicate? What is it about your own communication that you would like to change? Think about it this way ...

What is it about your communication that is not serving you well?

Maybe you're not getting the results you want. Maybe people aren't responding the way you'd like them to.  Unfortunately, "those people" aren't changing any time soon. There's only one person you can change, and that's you. The magic happens when you change, others change how they respond, and the whole communication dynamic between you changes.  Tomorrow you have a whole extra day to change your dance steps, how you communicate and by extension, your relationship with others.

What's going to be your Leap Year resolution?

What is it about your communication that you're going to dedicate tomorrow to changing, practicing, honing? Tomorrow, you get an extra day, a freebie, a bonus. It's in your hands to decide the difference a day makes.

Until next time, here's to ...
Better communication, Better business, Better life,
Marion Grobb Finkelstein
COMMUNICATION CATALYST
Keynote Speaker / Corporate Trainer / Author
www.MarionSpeaks.com
Marion@MarionSpeaks.com
www.facebook.com/MarionSpeaks  

Planning a conference, employee gathering or management retreat and looking for presenters? I'd love to submit a proposal for your consideration. Please contact me Marion@MarionSpeaks.com

© 2012 Marion Grobb Finkelstein
WANT TO USE THIS ARTICLE IN YOUR EZINE OR WEB SITE? You can, as long as you include this complete tagline with it: Communication catalyst, author, and professional speaker Marion Grobb Finkelstein teaches individuals and organizations across Canada and beyond, how to improve morale, confidence and productivity by changing how they communicate. Get weekly hands-on tips by signing up for "Marion's Communication Tips" at www.MarionSpeaks.com

I often tell my clients that people can't read your mind, only your actions. No one can possibly know what you are thinking until you actually say it, or what you want to do until you do it. They only know and remember the things you say or do. Now here's the rub: they don't know the motivation or reasoning behind your actions, they only know your actions.

You show what you value by how you spend your resources, and your most valuable of resources is time.

How you spend your time, and who you spend it on, communicates volumes.

When you reach out to someone else, the results can be remarkable. It's great fun to connect with someone you love being with, someone who makes you laugh and makes you feel valued and alive. You enjoy working with him or her, so you tend to reach out more than to someone who's tough to work with. It's difficult to reach out to those who are prickly. Chances are you work with a few of those people (admit it - you thought of someone in particular, didn't you?). Or even more trying, perhaps you're related to one.

I was traveling recently and seated at a table with a fellow I considered to be a bit of a know-it-all. He regaled us with demonstrations of his acerbic wit. He engaged in conversations without acknowledging the validity of others' viewpoints. In short, he was a conversation bully. My inclination was to shoot back, to argue with him, to dislike him, his opinions, and what I believed he stood for.

Instead, what I did was reach out to connect.

How, you ask? With a technique I've found to be exceptionally effective. I've used it at meetings, with clients, and in my personal life, and I invite you to use it the next time you encounter someone who you find difficult. This technique requires practice and discipline, and it works.

If you have a certain someone in mind, someone with whom you don't quite see eye to eye, picture them right now and do this exercise. When you see him or her next time, do this exercise again, in person.

Use the "camera technique" to gain perspective.

Look at him or her objectively. Picture yourself as a camera person or a talk show host simply watching them communicate and observing the dynamics between all the parties. Focus on the process, how he or she is speaking, what gestures he or she is using. Find something, anything, no matter how small, that you find amusing or admirable. You might have to dig. Focus hard. Let that amusement fill your being and curl the corners of your lips. You genuinely admire and like that aspect of this person.

We're all package deals, collections of experiences and attitudes. Find something in the package of that person you authentically enjoy. Perhaps it's his or her vast knowledge (although this type of person may not know everything, he or she does know something. Admire that something). Or maybe it's the way they are able to respond so quickly (albeit with inappropriate response -- it's the speed and wit you appreciate). Perhaps you've noticed how they have an ability to bite their tongue when others would blurt out a response (though you'd love if they actually spoke up every now and then).

Identify something you authentically admire.

Building on that positive point, no matter how small, picture that positive feeling welling up inside you to the point of overflow. Pick whatever color this feeling is to you, then imagine yourself being empty and filling with this color as it completely fills and envelopes you. This color is so large it begins to reach out with a long rubbery arm to embrace the person of your attention. Wrap him or her in this blanket of color, let it wash over and surround him or her. Focus on something positive about this person, and let the feeling flow.

Energy is a fact of science. You emit and receive energies of various types, both positive and negative. You likely use expressions involving energy, such as, "we're on the same wavelength", "he gives me good vibes", or "she's really tuned in to the issues". Your energy is your resource. You can choose to channel and use it to connect with others.

When you're in your workplace or dealing with clients (or even family members), you'll have plenty of opportunity to put this technique to practice. It has helped turn many what-could-be irritating people into somewhat amusing characters. This exercise will help you connect with 99% of people ... even with the nasties you may work with, serve or be related to. Go ahead and color your world.

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Until next time, here's to ...
Better communication, Better business, Better life,
Marion Grobb Finkelstein
COMMUNICATION CATALYST
Keynote Speaker / Corporate Trainer / Author
www.MarionSpeaks.com
Marion@MarionSpeaks.com
www.facebook.com/MarionSpeaks  

© 2012 Marion Grobb Finkelstein
WANT TO USE THIS ARTICLE IN YOUR EZINE OR WEB SITE? You can, as long as you include this complete tagline with it: Communication specialist, author, professional speaker Marion Grobb Finkelstein teaches individuals and organizations across Canada and beyond, how to improve morale, confidence and productivity by changing how they communicate. Chat with her at www.facebook.com/MarionSpeaks and sign up for her FREE weekly "Marion's Communication Tips" at www.MarionSpeaks.com

ASK MARION: When You Get No Enthusiasm Back

One of my greatest pleasures is hearing from YOU! When you respond and comment to my articles, it lets me know what subjects are of most interest, and it helps me tailor the type of communication I provide to better serve you. Besides all these great biz reasons, hearing from you just feels good. (Want to comment on THIS article? Click here http://www.marionspeaks.com/_blog/Marions_Communication_Tips)

When you get responses, you know that you're connecting. Have you ever communicated with someone and received no emotional energy back in return? I received a question recently on this subject and wanted to share my reply for next time you find yourself in a similar situation.

QUESTION: I love your newsletter. Thank you for your amazing tips and stories!! My question is this: How do you respond to your manager's straight face, glossy eyes when you present something that you are very excited about? I am never sure about this one. I still keep my enthusiasm, never give up, try to give more info, until I get exhausted and disappointed. What to do? Signed, Disappointed D

MARION'S RESPONSE: Dear D, sadly, not everyone shares the same enthusiasm you may hold for your ideas and projects. Neither does everyone express their feelings in the same way as you. It's definitely a downer, if you let it be. Here's some tips that may change your perspective and how you respond:

• DETERMINE IF THIS IS A PATTERN OR AN ISOLATED INCIDENT. Think back over the last several times you've presented an exciting project or idea in an animated way to this particular person -- what was their reaction? Is there a consistent pattern of this person responding in the same low-key, unemotional way? Further, is there a pattern of this person responding with little enthusiasm, not just to you, to others as well? If so, it might not be you or your idea that he or she isn't wild about -- it might be a clash of communication styles. It might not be that your idea is not well received -- this lack of enthusiasm may just be them. Calibrate the response to the person.
  
• IF THIS IS A PATTERN, CHANGE YOUR STYLE. Here's the good news -- we're all blessedly different. Here's the rub: we're all blessedly different. As such, you communicate differently than others and you default to a style that feels most comfortable for you. It might not be as comfortable for the receiver. In fact, it might be the complete opposite way he or she prefers to receive information. When someone's communication style is very different from yours, the thing to do is meet them partway. If your natural tendency is to be over-the-moon exuberant, take it down a notch. The person on the receiving end will find it easier to relate to what you're saying, because your style of delivery more closely resembles his or hers. Let's be clear here: stay genuine, stay authentic. Just tweak it a bit to mitigate the gap between the difference in communication styles. Stay true to yourself, just a toned down version. (PS: conversely, if you're not clicking with someone because your interpretation of "being excited" is perceived by him or her as a limp, wet mop, then turn up the energy and be more animated. It will help you connect).
  
• IF THIS IS AN ISOLATED INCIDENT, CHANGE THE ENVIRONMENT.  If someone is normally enthusiastic toward you and your ideas and on a certain occasion doesn't respond in the usual lively fashion, it might have nothing to do with you. It's likely an unrelated distraction of some sort. Acknowledge this to yourself, then shake things up a bit -- suggest that you meet for coffee or in a neutral location of some sort. It may be that your presentation has caught him or her at a bad time, so reschedule. Change the location, change the time, and you change the tone of the conversation. Sometimes, people need a change of scenery to have a change of mind.
  

Years ago, I remember delivering what many told me was a poignant and moving opening keynote to a woman's conference. It was my speech entitled, "Fill 'er Up" http://www.marionspeaks.com/keynote-fill-er-up.htm which included touching stories of personal struggles and how I used them to grow and shift my thinking. After the hour-long talk to a group of several hundred, I was surrounded by attendees thanking me for putting into words how they felt, telling me how they related to my stories and sharing their own amazing tales of triumph.

Then, a woman named Alice introduced herself and told me that she felt my stories were far too emotionally charged and personal. Pop! My bubble was burst. Unlike the rest of the attendees who felt validated and buoyed connecting on such an emotional level, that degree of emotion made this woman feel uncomfortable. So much so, she felt compelled to let me know. It was an interesting perspective.

I'm grateful Alice spoke to me. It made me realize that, no matter how well you communicate, there will always be a small percentage of your audience with whom you will not connect. It could be because of your message or, as in this case, they way in which it was delivered. Emotion is tough for some people to deal with. And that's perfectly fine. Adjust your communication style to the extent you feel comfortable, while always remaining true to yourself.

When someone doesn't reflect the enthusiasm that you ooze, it often speaks more about him or her than it does about you. It may be their personality and the way they communicate. Some people really ARE excited -- they just forget to tell their face ;o). We all express enthusiasm and interest differently. It could be bad timing or a distraction and lack of focus that you're seeing -- not necessarily a lack of interest. Their seeming absence of emotion or energy may have nothing to do with you at all. It's not about you, it's about them and where their head it at when you deliver your message.

Even if someone doesn't value your ideas, it does not change your value. And that's something you can get excited about. 

 

Comments about this article? Go one and post them on my blog at http://www.marionspeaks.com/_blog/Marions_Communication_Tips

DO YOU HAVE A COMMUNICATION QUESTION? Blog it below, or write me at Marion@MarionSpeaks.com

Until next time, here's to ...
Better communication, Better business, Better life,
Marion Grobb Finkelstein
COMMUNICATION CATALYST
Keynote Speaker / Corporate Trainer / Author
www.MarionSpeaks.com
Marion@MarionSpeaks.com
www.facebook.com/MarionSpeaks  

© 2011 Marion Grobb Finkelstein
WANT TO USE THIS ARTICLE IN YOUR EZINE OR WEB SITE? You can, as long as you include this complete tagline with it: Communication specialist, author, professional speaker Marion Grobb Finkelstein teaches individuals and organizations across Canada and beyond, how to improve morale, confidence and productivity by changing how they communicate. Chat with her at www.facebook.com/MarionSpeaks and sign up for her FREE weekly "Marion's Communication Tips" at www.MarionSpeaks.com

How to Give Thanks

When was the last time you thanked someone?

Maybe you received outstanding service at the bank. Perhaps a colleague went out of his or her way to get you the information you needed to move forward in a project. It could be a family member who helped you out with a personal challenge so you could focus your limited energy on getting your career back on track. You likely have things, both large and small, for which you could give thanks. We all do. The question is -- do we?

Saying thank you sounds so basic. It is. It's a little thing that makes a BIG difference. Saying thank you is the foundation upon which your relationships are built. As human beings, however, we sometimes find it easier to say nothing. We sometimes forget or don't think about it. Or worse yet, instead of saying thanks, we find something to complain about. Oh yes, we love complaining. Here's a thought: stop complaining, start creating instead. When you replace complaining with a sense of thanks, you replace negative energy with positive vibes. You create a healthy workplace and happy life. It all begins with coming from a place of awareness and with assuming an attitude of gratitude.

STEP #1:Figure out who you want to say thanks to

This weekend is an opportunity to change how you behave, to remember the forgotten people in your life who would appreciate being thanked for what they do. For all my Canadian friends and family, this coming weekend marks Canadian Thanksgiving (our American friends will be celebrating next month). This occasion is a wonderful opportunity for you to step back and actively think about, "who do I want to thank?". Think of someone right now. A name may pop into your head immediately, or maybe you want to give it some thought. Whatever your method, turn your thoughts to at least one person who has done something that helped your personally or professionally. This person might not even know the impact he or she had on your life -- but you do.

STEP #2: Define specifically what he or she did AND the impact it had on you

Once you have the name of someone you'd like to thank, ask yourself "why?". What was it that he or she did or didn't do and (here's the important part), how did that action positively affect your live? Be specific. Relate his or her action to your outcome. With the passage of time, you might notice impact that at first you didn't. This person's action may have started a ripple effect that led to something wonderful, or pushed your life in a direction you hadn't before considered. Find words to enunciate how this person positively impacted you, helped you grow, contributed to forming the person you are today with all your wonderful traits and character.

STEP #3: Let him or her know -- communicate your thanks!

Now comes the fun part -- communicate. Let the person know how grateful you are and why. The question is, "how" to express your gratitude. There are many ways to say "thanks". The most effective one will be the way that means the most to the person you're thanking.

Some people like to hear the words. Others like to see a note or card. Still others enjoy receiving a gift or token of your gratitude. Perhaps an act of service is something your person would most enjoy.

Here's some ways you could say thank you to others. This list might reflect some of the things you've already done. It will certainly get your ideas flowing:

• a hand-written thank you note
• a gift basket brimming with their favorite treats
  
• a favorite bottle of wine (or let them try one of yours)
• a certain product or item you know they've been looking for or they mentioned they'd like to try
  
• do them a favor ... with no strings attached
• run an errand for them when you know they don't have time
  
• give them useful information about their industry
• provide insights or products based on your area of expertise
• pamper them with an activity that makes them feel pampered and you know they like (e.g. spa, golf, restaurant)
• gift certificate for a coffee place
  
• send a book they mentioned
• give a subscription to their favorite magazine

What else? This list is just the start. I know that you have more ideas and I'd love to hear them. I'm always looking for interesting and unique ways to say "thank you". Go to my blog below http://www.marionspeaks.com/_blog/Marions_Communication_Tips and answer this question:

QUESTION: What's the BEST thank you gift you've ever given or received?

There is someone in your life who needs to be thanked. Think about it and you can make a difference in your workplace, your family, and your community. This thanksgiving weekend is your chance to reach out and connect. Try it and my guess is, you'll be thanked ... on many levels.

Happy thanksgiving everyone!

Comments about this article? Go one and post them on my blog below.

Until next time, here's to ...
Better communication, Better business, Better life,
Marion Grobb Finkelstein
COMMUNICATION CATALYST
Keynote Speaker / Corporate Trainer / Author
www.MarionSpeaks.com
Marion@MarionSpeaks.com
www.facebook.com/MarionSpeaks  

© 2011 Marion Grobb Finkelstein
WANT TO USE THIS ARTICLE IN YOUR EZINE OR WEB SITE? You can, as long as you include this complete tagline with it: Communication specialist, author, professional speaker Marion Grobb Finkelstein teaches individuals and organizations across Canada and beyond, how to improve morale, confidence and productivity by changing how they communicate. Chat with her at www.facebook.com/MarionSpeaks and sign up for her FREE weekly "Marion's Communication Tips" at www.MarionSpeaks.com

Positive Attitude Means Positive Communication

Do you have "an attitude"? Of course you do. Everyone does. Hopefully, yours is a positive one.

Communicating a positive and sunny attitude and coming from a place of gratitude makes great sense. Why? Because you feel better, literally. You actually physically feel better. And this isn't your imagination -- this claim is backed up by science.

There was some research on this subject done in 2009 and published in the British Medical Journal. It was conducted by a couple of researchers from Harvard University and in California in the United States. What they found was that the circle of positive energy actually extends out to three to four layers of people. A positive attitude really, literally, is contagious. You will feel better and others will feel better too.

When you feel good and you have a positive attitude your brain chemistry changes, you release more endorphins, serotonin and all of those feel good drugs—and they’re free and legal! So why not maintain a positive attitude? People are going to be attracted to you. They are going to be energized by you. And you will end up surrounding yourself with positive energy.

Recently, I had the pleasure of hearing Canadian speaker and author, Michael Loisier, present a couple years ago. He's known as the "how to" person for the law of attraction and has been featured on many radio and TV shows, including Oprah. He actually teaches on how to move "the secret" and the "law of attraction" to action, how to bring it into your life. And he agrees that positive begets positive.

The test if somebody is exerting a positive attitude or not, is I ask myself, "When I leave him or her, do I feel energized and ready to take on the world, and my brain is just firing off in different directions ... or do I feel drained?"  Note how you're feeling around others AND how they feel with you. Read the body language of people around you. If they arrive energized and are walking away drained, you might want to take a look at your attitude. Happy colleagues -- meaning you -- are more productive. That’s just the way the world works. When you're happy, you are more productive.

How do you want others to see you? How do they see you right now? Is that what you want? The good news is, if it’s not exactly what you want, if people are seeing you as not being very positive and not being very approachable, you have the power to change that. If you recognize that right now, you are half the way there to changing it ... and to assuming a positive attitude.

It's as easy as flicking a switch. At the moment when you feel your attitude taking a nosedive, be aware, and then consciously choose to avoid the downward spiral. Stop it. You have a choice. Your thoughts affect your words, your words become actions, your actions become habits, and your habits become character.

Think positive thoughts and keep smiling. It works.

Comments about this article? Feel free to share them on the blog below ...

Until next time, here's to ...
Better communication, Better business, Better life,
Marion Grobb Finkelstein
COMMUNICATION CATALYST
Keynote Speaker / Corporate Trainer / Author
www.MarionSpeaks.com
Marion@MarionSpeaks.com
www.facebook.com/MarionSpeaks  

© 2011 Marion Grobb Finkelstein
WANT TO USE THIS ARTICLE IN YOUR EZINE OR WEB SITE? You can, as long as you include this complete tagline with it: Communication specialist, author, professional speaker Marion Grobb Finkelstein teaches individuals and organizations across Canada and beyond, how to improve morale, confidence and productivity by changing how they communicate. Chat with her at www.facebook.com/MarionSpeaks and sign up for her FREE weekly "Marion's Communication Tips" at www.MarionSpeaks.com

Watch Your Language

Think about the last time you were upset, so ripping mad you could scream. Now think about the words and language you told yourself or others. Did your language become more, um, er ... "colorful"? Was it exceptionally emotive and passionate? Did it make a sailor blush? (No offence to sailors ;o)

Sure, there's a time and a place for just about every type of language and vocabulary. Chatting with friends or a confidante, go ahead and let it all hang out. Vent until your heart is content. However, when it comes to matters of the workplace, choose your words carefully. Once you say them, they can't be unsaid. Sure, you can apologize, make a joke of it, treat it as lightly as possible, and that might work. It might not. Just like trying to unscramble eggs, there's no undoing words that have been spoken. They will hang in the air and affect relationships and reputations.

Before someone lashes out and says something inappropriate, there's usually an event or series of events leading up to this climax. It's often a small incident that triggers what seems to be an overreaction. Here's the key:

COMMUNICATION TIP:  speak out while you still are in control

Sometimes, you're upset and you tell yourself to say nothing. You squish down the anger, the sadness, the disappointment. You tell yourself to suck it up and move forward. Yet, deep in your heart, that "something" still bothers you. It keeps you up at night. It consumes your free moments. You find yourself fantasizing about really telling a person off. You have make-believe conversations to this irritating work mate as if he or she were standing beside you and you were saying what's really on your mind ... and boy, do you! These are all signs that you're reaching a limit. Address the issue before a straw breaks the camel's back and you snap. Be aware when something is bothering you, and then (this is the tough part), manage the situation.

Like many tough times in life, it boils down to you having three choices:

CHOICE #1) accept it (which means that truly, in your heart, you're OK with the situation, the person, the status quo. You have no more right or compunction to complain)
CHOICE #2) change it (change your reaction, how you respond)
CHOICE #3) leave (remove yourself from the situation or irritant)

Suppose you choose to "change it", to do something about how you are reacting. It might be that there’s someone in your life you need to speak to, candidly. You know if you do it wrongly, you’ll blow the relationship. And (here’s the catch) you need that person in your life. Try this …

• Write your response. Draft your response, let the emotions pour … then go back and edit them out. Get rid of all the superlatives and excessive passion. Choose the rational, calm, and logical approach to communicating your concerns.
• Give yourself time. If you need some down time, a few moments, hours or days to assess and respond professionally to a disturbing situation, then take it. If someone is waiting for your response, let them know you're working on it and when he or she could reasonably expect your answer.
• Present your viewpoint without the emotion. Use neutral language and stick to the facts. In doing so, you’ll increase the chance that your message will not only be heard, but that the recipient will actively listen and consider what you are saying.

When your message is swimming in a river of emotion, it may well get swept away. That doesn't serve you well at all. The only thing your colleagues will remember is your emotion, not the message. Strong language evokes equally strong responses. Sticking to the facts, using neutral language, speaking in a non-accusatory way is the quickest way for you to get to the bottom of the situation. It's this style of communication that will position you as the professional you truly are.

Remove excessive emotion, and increase the probability that your message will be received loud and clear, and your relationships will stay in tact.

Comments about this article? I invite you to post them on my blog below

Until next time, here's to ...
Better communication, Better business, Better life,
Marion Grobb Finkelstein
COMMUNICATION CATALYST
Keynote Speaker / Corporate Trainer / Author
www.MarionSpeaks.com
Marion@MarionSpeaks.com
www.facebook.com/MarionSpeaks  

© 2011 Marion Grobb Finkelstein
WANT TO USE THIS ARTICLE IN YOUR EZINE OR WEB SITE? You can, as long as you include this complete tagline with it: Communication specialist, author, professional speaker Marion Grobb Finkelstein teaches individuals and organizations across Canada and beyond, how to improve morale, confidence and productivity by changing how they communicate. Chat with her at www.facebook.com/MarionSpeaks and sign up for her FREE weekly "Marion's Communication Tips" at www.MarionSpeaks.com

TAKE A WALK IN THEIR SHOES

A number of years ago, one of my best friends shared with me a rather interesting question she'd been posed in a job interview. The person considering her for a position leaned across the table and asked, "If you were a shoe, what type of shoe would you be?". Say what? (Don't worry, this is not a "shoe" article ... read on and you'll see where I'm going with this).

It sounds a little out there, maybe even odd, to present such a whimsical question during a serious job interview. Some may even call it flippant. I believe it was brilliant. Shoes speak volumes about what people value. Think about it -- what type of shoes do YOU wear? What are you wearing right now, and how do they make you feel? Comfortable, sporty, sexy, powerful, authoriative, rich, poor, newbie or professional? Any red-blooded fashionista worth his or her weight in salt will tell you that you can change the whole look of an outfit simply by changing the shoes. They change your perspective both when you slip them on, and in how you appear to others. Shoes suggest if you consider comfort over style, or sacrifice feel-good for foot-pinching to obtain a certain image. Shoes and how well they fit, affect your mood and confidence. When you're wearing certain shoes, they provide a unique perspective of the world and of yourself. Hence, the importance of stepping into someone else's shoes to really understand his or her perspective. That's how you connect.

COMMUNICATION TIP: To understand, take a walk in their shoes.

There, I told you at the start that this article is not about "shoes" literally, just figuratively. You can see how physically changing shoes would allow you to feel differently and appreciate how someone else might feel in them. The same is true figuratively and in how you communicate. It changes your perspective and breeds understanding -- and that, right there, is the essence that feeds good communication: come from a place of understanding.

Sometimes things look pretty good at first blush and it's not until we actually try on the situation for size that we realize it's not quite as comfy as it appears. Just like a pair of shoes that look perfect, we don't know what they feel like until we have them on. We begin to appreciate that someone appears grouchy and off-balance because something in their life isn't fitting right.

I encourage you to consider these two facts:

1) Everyone behaves how they do for a reason
2) That reason is an explanation, not an excuse.

If someone is communicating with you in a harsh way, it may have nothing to do with you at all. It could be simply that their "shoes" are pinching. Sadly, some people walk around wearing perpetually cruel shoes that make every step of their life miserable. They are coming from such a place of pain, they are chronically suffering, and they lash out as a result. Unfortunately, if you're in their firing range, you become one of the casualties.

Let me be clear here -- I'm not saying it's OK for people to behave inappropriately toward you. Their shoes may be an explanation for their behavior; they are not an excuse. There may be very valid and logical reasons why someone is in a foul mood, has a chip on the shoulder, or is angry with the world. Whatever the reason, it doesn't give them permission to dump on you. It's an explanation, not an excuse.

What to do in a situation where you just don't see eye to eye? The first place to start is slipping on the other person's shoes. See the world from their perspective. Feel the pinches and blisters that are likely rubbing them the wrong way. Consider the situation from their viewpoint. In doing so, you will build understand ... and bridges.

Everyone behaves the way they do for a reason, so take a walk in their shoes and think about what that reason might be. Even if you don't know and can't imagine, know that them disconnecting from you may have nothing at all to do with you and everything to do with something or someone completely unrelated to the subject at hand. Acknowledge to whatever degree possible, the reasons why a person may be behaving a certain way.

For example, if a service representative is grouchy and giving less than stellar service, instead of getting upset, you could acknowledge their perspective and say, “I know this is your busy season and it’s been difficult to get back to me …”.

Just today, I experienced a frustrating weeks-long incident with my bank. Pamela, the Financial Services Manager, knew I was plenty upset for unnecessary delays and the tension was growing between us. Pamela was the person who was in a position to help me and I realized that distancing myself from her was not an effective strategy, so better judgement kicked in (thankfully) and I switched gears. Instead of going on and on about the problem, I said to the Pamela, "Wow, so much paperwork and bureaucracy. I don't know how you deal with it everyday. You're amazing". When I went into the bank a couple hours later to sign off some papers, the branch manager popped in to personally apologize for the mix-up ... and to waive my monthly fees for a year and order my business cheques for free. Wow! All because I tried on someone's shoes.

Isn't it time you get that shoe horn ready and give it a try. Go ahead, take a walk in their shoes and feel the pinch ... it just might bring you a step in the right direction to better communication.

It's Not About You When you give presentations, does your mouth go dry? Your heart beat a little faster? Your palms get sweaty? As you prepare to meet one-to-one with a top level client or senior official, are the butterflies in your stomach doing somersaults? If so, you're not alone. One of the most common questions I get is about controlling nerves when presenting. Without hesitation, I offer this suggestion ... COMMUNICATION TIP: Focus on your audience, not yourself A lot of people get nervous speaking to others, whether it's one-to-one or to the masses. Speaking and communication jitters can get the best of us and can jeopardize how effectively we connect with our colleagues, client, bosses and employees. The way to get over it? Focus on the needs of your audience and your role in meeting those needs. Remember this -- you have a message someone needs to hear. Each one of us has information or expertise of some sort that would benefit someone else. What's yours? Ask yourself this question: QUESTION: what information or knowledge do I have that would help someone else (who?) do his or her job better, faster, cheaper, easier? Know your audience. Find out what they need, what keeps them up at night, and how you can help them. Discover where they "hurt", what they lack, and fill that void with your skill, expertise and advice. Communicate valuable information and share your know-how.   THE LIMITED ENERGY THEORY Here's the reality: we all have limited energy, so spend yours wisely. Focus your energies on getting to know the people with whom you communicate. That could be your boss -- find out his or her top priorities and figure out how you can support them. Maybe your colleagues need help in a project, and you have the expertise to make the difference. Why not offer it and lend your know-how? Or perhaps you have clients you're trying to click with. Ask them questions and delve into how you can marry your expertise to their challenges and find solutions. Using communication skills to ask the right questions and provide the right answers is what will help you to connect with others. Ask, ask, ask. And it all begins with how you think, which leads me to my next point ... COME FROM A PLACE OF SERVICE Let me explain this term "service" for a moment, so as not to lead you astray. I'm saying "come from a place of service" -- not servitude. You're not someone's servant. You are choosing to apply your skills to serve. You are committing to a motivation bigger than just you. You are making a difference in someone else's life because you deem that person worthy and because you know you can help. That's service, not servitude. You're not someone's slave, you choose to serve and you do so willingly.   Communication is really about knowing how we can serve others. Add to that "knowing yourself" and your own strengths, and that's an unbeatable combination. It provides the foundation for great communications because it puts the focus on your audience, not you. And that type of attitude is what gets results. Hey, have you checked out my new Facebook splashpage? If you haven't yet "liked" my page, visit it now and see what I mean www.facebook.com/MarionSpeaks Until next time, here's to ... Positive communication, Productive relationships, Powerful results! Marion Grobb Finkelstein Keynote Speaker / Corporate Trainer / Author www.MarionSpeaks.com Marion@MarionSpeaks.com www.facebook.com/MarionSpeaks   © 2011 Marion Grobb Finkelstein WANT TO USE THIS ARTICLE IN YOUR EZINE OR WEB SITE? You can, as long as you include this complete tagline with it: Get more hands-on communication tips on Marion's Facebook www.facebook.com/MarionSpeaks , book her for your next gathering Marion@MarionSpeaks.com and sign up for her FREE weekly "Marion's Communication Tips" at www.MarionSpeaks.com . Communications expert, author, professional speaker Marion Grobb Finkelstein teaches individuals and organizations across Canada and beyond, how to increase morale, confidence and productivity by changing the way they communicate.

Unlike what Lady Gaga may have us believe, we're not all born this way.

Have you ever heard someone described as a “born communicator” or a “born speaker”? True, some people seem to come by it more readily, yet, communicating well is really a learned skill. And that’s great news, because it means that anyone has the potential to learn how to do it effectively.

Like any skill, communicating well means a willingness to learn, a commitment to practice, and an understanding of the process. It takes practicing behaviours until they become habits.

A colleague of mine who is deep into sports, advised me that there’s something called, “muscle memory”. If you play golf, tennis, go skiing or participate in any sport, you likely perform certain moves or actions automatically. You just know when they "feel right", and when you've done them well.

You weren’t born playing these games. Somewhere, some when, you committed to learning and studying the sport. You repeated specific actions again and again until they became second nature to you. Someone taught you the right (or wrong?) swing and, with practice, you began to do it without thinking. You can do the same thing with communication skills.

Start today. Observe the way you communicate. What is the one thing that you really want to eliminate, introduce or do more of?

Be your own communications detective and finger something about your communciation techniques that needs improvement. Go to books, colleagues, experts, courses, experience to hone your skills. Or drop me a line and ask me a question (my response may appear right here in an article).

Give it time, and you'll be delighted to see that you too, can master the skills of great communications. Communicating well doesn't just happen -- it's a learned skill. And if you identify what you want to learn, you can master it too.  

What's the ONE THING you'd like to change about the way you communicate? Share it with a blog post below ...

 

 

Until next time, here's to ...
Positive communication,
Productive relationships,
Powerful results!
Marion Grobb Finkelstein
Keynote Speaker / Corporate Trainer / Author
www.MarionSpeaks.com
Marion@MarionSpeaks.com
www.facebook.com/MarionSpeaks  

© 2011 Marion Grobb Finkelstein
WANT TO USE THIS ARTICLE IN YOUR EZINE OR WEB SITE? You can, as long as you include this complete tagline with it: Communications expert, author, professional speaker Marion Grobb Finkelstein teaches individuals and organizations across Canada and beyond, how to improve their businesses and their lives by improving their communications. Chat with her Facebook www.facebook.com/MarionSpeaks  or sign up for her FREE weekly e-newsletter "Marion's Communication Tips" at www.MarionSpeaks.com

Do you ever lose your cool? Ah, c'mon, honestly now. If you say, "no", you're fibbing. Everyone loses it, sometimes. It's normal. It's natural. And it can be a career stopper if you let it. Losing your cool alters not just the effectiveness of your communications --  it can alter your relationships forever. The key is controlling your temper, before it controls you.

This past Sunday night, I grabbed my cuppa tea and nestled into the couch for our weekly ritual -- watching "The Apprentice". I love observing the communication between all the players and find the drama of interpersonal dynamics fascinating. This week did not disappoint. At the top of the show, Nene, a rather brash and outspoken woman, went completely ballistic on Star Jones. What an scene! And she did it right in front of the client launching the challenge for the two competing teams. At that point, I had to wonder if the client wrote off Nene's team (Nene was Project Leader) because of her outburst. Have you ever been discounted or discounted someone else due to a temper tantrum?

In the workplace, the tension and stress levels can be quite similar to this scenario, though we might contain it with a little more class. Few people (thankfully) behave as bombastically as Nene did. That doesn't mean that we don't sometimes fantasize doing so. The challenge is, how to control your temper when you feel so frustrated you could scream? These tips will get you on your way:

• LISTEN TO YOUR BODY AND BREATHE: Be aware of the stress signals your body is sending you. Be in the moment and conscious of what's happening. Cortisone is coursing through your veins, your blood pressure is soaring, and chances are, you're holding your breath. The antidote? Breathe. Breathe mindfully and deeply. Feel the stress drain from your being. Your body will thank you, and it will help you gain back control.

• REMEMBER THE BIG PICTURE AND FIND SOMETHING YOU LIKE: When colleagues push your buttons, chances are they don't even realize they're doing so. Normally, there is no intent at all to drive you nuts (unless they're "bullies", and that's a whole other ball game). In the absence of anything proving otherwise, assume that your antagonist's actions are not deliberate. Think about your relationship with this person as a whole, and consider this action that is prompting your potential outburst as an isolated incident. Even if this person has pushed your buttons before, consider this incident, whatever it might be, as a small portion of the whole relationship. Remember the good parts, gain perspective.

• POLITELY EXCUSE YOURSELF AND REMOVE YOURSELF: If you can't contain yourself, remove yourself. You know when you're about to lose it, so read the signs and put yourself in a place where you can regain control. If that means taking a "time out", do it. If you don't know your limits and aren't sure when you're reaching your boiling point, educate yourself -- become a student of your own emotional barometer, and know the warning signs before you surrender to your outburst.

•  HOLD YOUR TEMPER NOT FOR THEM ... DO IT FOR YOU. No one wants to witness your temper tantrum, no matter how justifiable it may be in your mind. Such outbursts could distance you from other colleagues -- they may not want to be associated with someone known as "hot-headed". Your losing your cool may damage not only one relationship you have, but many. Put a lid on it, not just out of respect for the other person (whether they deserve it or not) -- do it out of respect for yourself, your relationships, and your career. Keeping your cool will best serve you.

•  REMEMBER, YOU CAN'T UNRING THE BELL. Once words are spoken, they cannot be taken back. They irrevocably change relationships. Even with apologies and explanations, the words still hang there in the air, often pushing people apart and nudging them further mired into their polar-opposite positions. When speaking in anger, people share the unvarnished secrets of their darkest hearts, without benefit of tact and diplomacy. It can be ugly and distasteful. The price for that fleeting moment of "feel good" may be a lifetime of regret. COMM TIP: Watch the words you spit out because one day, you may have to swallow them.

In the final analysis, losing your temper won't serve you well. It will destroy relationships and paint you as an unprofessional hot-head. Regardless of what you think of the other person, don't you deserve more? Hold your tongue, hold your relationships.

PS: I'd love to hear your thoughts about how holding your temper. Just post your comments below. 

Until next time, here's to ...
Better communication, Better business, Better life!
Marion Grobb Finkelstein
Keynote Speaker / Corporate Trainer / Author
www.MarionSpeaks.com
Marion@MarionSpeaks.com
www.facebook.com/MarionSpeaks  

© 2011 Marion Grobb Finkelstein
WANT TO USE THIS ARTICLE IN YOUR EZINE OR WEB SITE? You can, as long as you include this complete tagline with it: Communications expert, author, professional speaker Marion Grobb Finkelstein teaches individuals and organizations across Canada and beyond, how to improve their businesses and their lives by improving their communications. Chat with her Facebook www.facebook.com/MarionSpeaks  or sign up for her FREE weekly e-newsletter "Marion's Communication Tips" at www.MarionSpeaks.com