Marion's Communication Tips

I bet at some point, you’ve been verbally attacked. It could be something a colleague or family member says. Or it might not be a word at all, just a judgmental raise of an eyebrow that says all. You want to snap something back, but what? You are at a complete loss for words, stumped, and tongue tied. You morph into a statue.

Maybe an hour or a day later, you think of the perfect response. Oh, it’s so witty, classy and cleverly worded. You whip yourself for being stymied at the time of the affront.  Why, you ask yourself, does your brain dry up and your wit fail you when you need them the most?


Dr. John Leach is one of the world’s leading experts on survival psychology. He teaches at Lancaster University in the UK and has coined a phrase called, “Incredulity Response”.  This is when you simply don’t believe what you’re seeing or hearing. You tell yourself, “This really isn’t happening”, and you continue to go about your own business. You pretend everything is OK and don’t respond to the danger.

In scientific terms, this incredulity response normally applies to people’s responses in time of physical disasters – fires, floods, robberies, traffic accidents. You're motionless.  You can’t think straight. You have paralysis by analysis and brain freeze.

Although Dr. Leach was studying physical attacks and responses, I believe there is also value in applying this science principle to how you communicate, and more specifically, how you respond – or don’t  -- when you feel verbally attacked.  

Dr. Leach says that in times of danger, it’s normal to freeze to some extent. What’s important is the speed with which you recover from it. He says that in the face of a serious physical threat, someone may offer to make you a cup of tea, or get you a blanket. He suggests that it’s far better to do it yourself because going through the motions prompts your brain to function to coordinate movements.  He explains that once your brain gets going with a routine task, it kick starts the rest of the brain and ups your chances of being able to respond with a clear mind.

1.     ADJUST your thinking to a routine task or observation. Just for a moment, think of something routine, ordinary and neutral. It could be objectively noticing the tone of your assailant’s voice. Maybe you focus on what he’s wearing.  Perhaps it’s daisies in a field or recounting the alphabet. Whatever it is, make sure it’s neutral, unemotional observation, and second nature to you.
2.     BREATHE.  When you’re faced with a threat, even a verbal one, a natural response is to hold your breath. You might not even realize you’re doing it. Take a moment, a few seconds to focus on your breathing -- and make sure you are. Not only does this give you a point of focus, it physically prepares you to think clearly. All that oxygen you’re introducing to your brain will nourish and ready it to respond.
3.     CHANGE YOUR POSITION. Shift your physical position. Be aware of body language and consciously move into a receptive, open stance. Relax your palms (you might, unknowingly, be clenching your hands into fists). Point your toes of at least one foot toward the person (it’s instinct to turn away from those you want to avoid, so move toward him or her to connect instead). Assume eye contact without staring -- if you stare, it appears as aggressive.

Next time when you believe you’re being verbally beat up on, feel tongue tied, and you just can’t believe what you’re seeing and hearing, let science work for you to shake off this “incredulity response”.  No need to stand there as a victim and be abused. With these techniques, you’ll untie your tongue, thaw your frozen brain and be in a far better position to respond.

Until next time, here's to ...
Better communication, Better business, Better life,
Marion Grobb Finkelstein
COMMUNICATION CATALYST
Keynote Speaker / Corporate Trainer / Author
www.MarionSpeaks.com
Marion@MarionSpeaks.com
www.facebook.com/MarionSpeaks 

© 2012 Marion Grobb Finkelstein

WANT TO USE THIS ARTICLE IN YOUR EZINE OR WEB SITE? You can, as long as you include this complete tagline with it: Communication specialist, author, professional speaker Marion Grobb Finkelstein teaches individuals and organizations across Canada and beyond, how to improve morale, confidence and productivity by changing how they communicate. Chat with her at www.facebook.com/MarionSpeaks and sign up for her FREE weekly "Marion's Communication Tips" at www.MarionSpeaks.com

I often tell my clients that people can't read your mind, only your actions. No one can possibly know what you are thinking until you actually say it, or what you want to do until you do it. They only know and remember the things you say or do. Now here's the rub: they don't know the motivation or reasoning behind your actions, they only know your actions.

You show what you value by how you spend your resources, and your most valuable of resources is time.

How you spend your time, and who you spend it on, communicates volumes.

When you reach out to someone else, the results can be remarkable. It's great fun to connect with someone you love being with, someone who makes you laugh and makes you feel valued and alive. You enjoy working with him or her, so you tend to reach out more than to someone who's tough to work with. It's difficult to reach out to those who are prickly. Chances are you work with a few of those people (admit it - you thought of someone in particular, didn't you?). Or even more trying, perhaps you're related to one.

I was traveling recently and seated at a table with a fellow I considered to be a bit of a know-it-all. He regaled us with demonstrations of his acerbic wit. He engaged in conversations without acknowledging the validity of others' viewpoints. In short, he was a conversation bully. My inclination was to shoot back, to argue with him, to dislike him, his opinions, and what I believed he stood for.

Instead, what I did was reach out to connect.

How, you ask? With a technique I've found to be exceptionally effective. I've used it at meetings, with clients, and in my personal life, and I invite you to use it the next time you encounter someone who you find difficult. This technique requires practice and discipline, and it works.

If you have a certain someone in mind, someone with whom you don't quite see eye to eye, picture them right now and do this exercise. When you see him or her next time, do this exercise again, in person.

Use the "camera technique" to gain perspective.

Look at him or her objectively. Picture yourself as a camera person or a talk show host simply watching them communicate and observing the dynamics between all the parties. Focus on the process, how he or she is speaking, what gestures he or she is using. Find something, anything, no matter how small, that you find amusing or admirable. You might have to dig. Focus hard. Let that amusement fill your being and curl the corners of your lips. You genuinely admire and like that aspect of this person.

We're all package deals, collections of experiences and attitudes. Find something in the package of that person you authentically enjoy. Perhaps it's his or her vast knowledge (although this type of person may not know everything, he or she does know something. Admire that something). Or maybe it's the way they are able to respond so quickly (albeit with inappropriate response -- it's the speed and wit you appreciate). Perhaps you've noticed how they have an ability to bite their tongue when others would blurt out a response (though you'd love if they actually spoke up every now and then).

Identify something you authentically admire.

Building on that positive point, no matter how small, picture that positive feeling welling up inside you to the point of overflow. Pick whatever color this feeling is to you, then imagine yourself being empty and filling with this color as it completely fills and envelopes you. This color is so large it begins to reach out with a long rubbery arm to embrace the person of your attention. Wrap him or her in this blanket of color, let it wash over and surround him or her. Focus on something positive about this person, and let the feeling flow.

Energy is a fact of science. You emit and receive energies of various types, both positive and negative. You likely use expressions involving energy, such as, "we're on the same wavelength", "he gives me good vibes", or "she's really tuned in to the issues". Your energy is your resource. You can choose to channel and use it to connect with others.

When you're in your workplace or dealing with clients (or even family members), you'll have plenty of opportunity to put this technique to practice. It has helped turn many what-could-be irritating people into somewhat amusing characters. This exercise will help you connect with 99% of people ... even with the nasties you may work with, serve or be related to. Go ahead and color your world.

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Until next time, here's to ...
Better communication, Better business, Better life,
Marion Grobb Finkelstein
COMMUNICATION CATALYST
Keynote Speaker / Corporate Trainer / Author
www.MarionSpeaks.com
Marion@MarionSpeaks.com
www.facebook.com/MarionSpeaks  

© 2012 Marion Grobb Finkelstein
WANT TO USE THIS ARTICLE IN YOUR EZINE OR WEB SITE? You can, as long as you include this complete tagline with it: Communication specialist, author, professional speaker Marion Grobb Finkelstein teaches individuals and organizations across Canada and beyond, how to improve morale, confidence and productivity by changing how they communicate. Chat with her at www.facebook.com/MarionSpeaks and sign up for her FREE weekly "Marion's Communication Tips" at www.MarionSpeaks.com

Hour of Power

Do you know when is your "hour of power"? You might not know when it is, because you don't realize what it is, so let's start there.

(PS: take a peek at my brand new "Hour of Power" webinars: http://www.marionspeaks.com/marions-products/webinars Invest one hour of your time, and I'll give you ways to change how you communicate, boost your work performance and increase the results you get.. Satisfaction guaranteed. Interested?)

"HOUR OF POWER" IS YOUR HIGH ENERGY TIME

The "hour of power" is the time of day when you feel most energetic, most alert, and most on your game. What's yours?

This time is different for everyone. For you, it might be early morning when you hop out of bed and right into action. Or maybe you prefer to ease into your day slowly and you feel more energized as the day wears on. Perhaps you catch your stride in the afternoon, and that's when you're really in the groove. Or maybe you're more an evening person and find yourself in high form in the after-dinner or late hours of the evening.

Still not sure what hour chimes your power? Then do this: think back to the past weeks. If this wasn't a typical week for you, pick the week before. What time of day did you find you were sharpest? When were you most productive, most organized, most roaring to go?

Need some more help to define your hour? Ask yourself this: when you're on holidays or during weekends, what's your natural circadian rhythm? When are you most powered up? When does your energy flow? Figure this out, and you have a key to great communication.

YOUR HOUR OF POWER IS THE TIME TO TACKLE YOUR TOUGHEST COMMUNICATION CHALLENGES

Now that you've defined your "hour of power", you're positioned to use that information strategically. Plan to work on your toughest communication challenges when you have the most energy. It makes imminent sense. It takes brain power to solve any type of problem, including communication ones. You'll be more likely to find the solutions when you're at your sharpest. The options will come to you more readily.

Likewise, it takes energy to demonstrate control. If you're dealing with a contentious issue, doing so when you have the most energy will increase your chances of using cautious restraint, thinking with a clear head and having a positive outcome. Thanks to your hour of power.

Now you know when you are most likely to best handle tough communications. Put the odds in your favor and use the "hour of power" to best help empower you. You've got the power, and now you know where to find and how to use it. Power on!

Comments about this article? Go one and post them on my blog at http://www.marionspeaks.com/_blog/Marions_Communication Tips

Until next time, here's to ...
Better communication, Better business, Better life,
Marion Grobb Finkelstein
COMMUNICATION CATALYST
Keynote Speaker / Corporate Trainer / Author
www.MarionSpeaks.com
Marion@MarionSpeaks.com
www.facebook.com/MarionSpeaks  

© 2011 Marion Grobb Finkelstein
WANT TO USE THIS ARTICLE IN YOUR EZINE OR WEB SITE? You can, as long as you include this complete tagline with it: Communication specialist, author, professional speaker Marion Grobb Finkelstein teaches individuals and organizations across Canada and beyond, how to improve morale, confidence and productivity by changing how they communicate. Chat with her at www.facebook.com/MarionSpeaks and sign up for her FREE weekly "Marion's Communication Tips" at www.MarionSpeaks.com

ASK MARION: When You Get No Enthusiasm Back

One of my greatest pleasures is hearing from YOU! When you respond and comment to my articles, it lets me know what subjects are of most interest, and it helps me tailor the type of communication I provide to better serve you. Besides all these great biz reasons, hearing from you just feels good. (Want to comment on THIS article? Click here http://www.marionspeaks.com/_blog/Marions_Communication_Tips)

When you get responses, you know that you're connecting. Have you ever communicated with someone and received no emotional energy back in return? I received a question recently on this subject and wanted to share my reply for next time you find yourself in a similar situation.

QUESTION: I love your newsletter. Thank you for your amazing tips and stories!! My question is this: How do you respond to your manager's straight face, glossy eyes when you present something that you are very excited about? I am never sure about this one. I still keep my enthusiasm, never give up, try to give more info, until I get exhausted and disappointed. What to do? Signed, Disappointed D

MARION'S RESPONSE: Dear D, sadly, not everyone shares the same enthusiasm you may hold for your ideas and projects. Neither does everyone express their feelings in the same way as you. It's definitely a downer, if you let it be. Here's some tips that may change your perspective and how you respond:

• DETERMINE IF THIS IS A PATTERN OR AN ISOLATED INCIDENT. Think back over the last several times you've presented an exciting project or idea in an animated way to this particular person -- what was their reaction? Is there a consistent pattern of this person responding in the same low-key, unemotional way? Further, is there a pattern of this person responding with little enthusiasm, not just to you, to others as well? If so, it might not be you or your idea that he or she isn't wild about -- it might be a clash of communication styles. It might not be that your idea is not well received -- this lack of enthusiasm may just be them. Calibrate the response to the person.
  
• IF THIS IS A PATTERN, CHANGE YOUR STYLE. Here's the good news -- we're all blessedly different. Here's the rub: we're all blessedly different. As such, you communicate differently than others and you default to a style that feels most comfortable for you. It might not be as comfortable for the receiver. In fact, it might be the complete opposite way he or she prefers to receive information. When someone's communication style is very different from yours, the thing to do is meet them partway. If your natural tendency is to be over-the-moon exuberant, take it down a notch. The person on the receiving end will find it easier to relate to what you're saying, because your style of delivery more closely resembles his or hers. Let's be clear here: stay genuine, stay authentic. Just tweak it a bit to mitigate the gap between the difference in communication styles. Stay true to yourself, just a toned down version. (PS: conversely, if you're not clicking with someone because your interpretation of "being excited" is perceived by him or her as a limp, wet mop, then turn up the energy and be more animated. It will help you connect).
  
• IF THIS IS AN ISOLATED INCIDENT, CHANGE THE ENVIRONMENT.  If someone is normally enthusiastic toward you and your ideas and on a certain occasion doesn't respond in the usual lively fashion, it might have nothing to do with you. It's likely an unrelated distraction of some sort. Acknowledge this to yourself, then shake things up a bit -- suggest that you meet for coffee or in a neutral location of some sort. It may be that your presentation has caught him or her at a bad time, so reschedule. Change the location, change the time, and you change the tone of the conversation. Sometimes, people need a change of scenery to have a change of mind.
  

Years ago, I remember delivering what many told me was a poignant and moving opening keynote to a woman's conference. It was my speech entitled, "Fill 'er Up" http://www.marionspeaks.com/keynote-fill-er-up.htm which included touching stories of personal struggles and how I used them to grow and shift my thinking. After the hour-long talk to a group of several hundred, I was surrounded by attendees thanking me for putting into words how they felt, telling me how they related to my stories and sharing their own amazing tales of triumph.

Then, a woman named Alice introduced herself and told me that she felt my stories were far too emotionally charged and personal. Pop! My bubble was burst. Unlike the rest of the attendees who felt validated and buoyed connecting on such an emotional level, that degree of emotion made this woman feel uncomfortable. So much so, she felt compelled to let me know. It was an interesting perspective.

I'm grateful Alice spoke to me. It made me realize that, no matter how well you communicate, there will always be a small percentage of your audience with whom you will not connect. It could be because of your message or, as in this case, they way in which it was delivered. Emotion is tough for some people to deal with. And that's perfectly fine. Adjust your communication style to the extent you feel comfortable, while always remaining true to yourself.

When someone doesn't reflect the enthusiasm that you ooze, it often speaks more about him or her than it does about you. It may be their personality and the way they communicate. Some people really ARE excited -- they just forget to tell their face ;o). We all express enthusiasm and interest differently. It could be bad timing or a distraction and lack of focus that you're seeing -- not necessarily a lack of interest. Their seeming absence of emotion or energy may have nothing to do with you at all. It's not about you, it's about them and where their head it at when you deliver your message.

Even if someone doesn't value your ideas, it does not change your value. And that's something you can get excited about. 

 

Comments about this article? Go one and post them on my blog at http://www.marionspeaks.com/_blog/Marions_Communication_Tips

DO YOU HAVE A COMMUNICATION QUESTION? Blog it below, or write me at Marion@MarionSpeaks.com

Until next time, here's to ...
Better communication, Better business, Better life,
Marion Grobb Finkelstein
COMMUNICATION CATALYST
Keynote Speaker / Corporate Trainer / Author
www.MarionSpeaks.com
Marion@MarionSpeaks.com
www.facebook.com/MarionSpeaks  

© 2011 Marion Grobb Finkelstein
WANT TO USE THIS ARTICLE IN YOUR EZINE OR WEB SITE? You can, as long as you include this complete tagline with it: Communication specialist, author, professional speaker Marion Grobb Finkelstein teaches individuals and organizations across Canada and beyond, how to improve morale, confidence and productivity by changing how they communicate. Chat with her at www.facebook.com/MarionSpeaks and sign up for her FREE weekly "Marion's Communication Tips" at www.MarionSpeaks.com

When Things Go Wrong, Communicate

Have you ever been working away at a project and things beyond your control begin to go awry? Your client, colleague, employee or your boss is left in the lurch and his or her expectations are not being met. Yikes! When actions fall short of expectations, that can really hurt a relationship. The key to pulling this situation out of its downward spiral is communication.

I had a taste of that some time ago. It happened a few years back when I was flying from Toronto to Ottawa with Porter Airlines, a small commuter outfit. This is a great, friendly airline with personable staff members who are very service-oriented. This proved true on this day in question.

After traveling from the United States and getting only a couple hours of sleep, I was anxious to complete the last leg of my journey and get home. You can imagine my disappointment when the announcement came over the speakers that my flight was delayed – again. Two delays in as many hours. Was I disappointed? Yes. Was I angry? No.

Why wasn't I upset at this string of delays, you ask? There was one thing that made the difference in my reaction -- communication. Instead of leaving us in the dark wondering what was happening, Porter Airlines consistently and promptly told us about the delays as soon as they knew them. They announced that the flight was late and this was followed by frequent updates on the situation.

COMMUNICATION TIP: Bad times require good communications.

OK, so maybe Porter’s free cappuccinos, buttery shortbreads and courtesy newspapers took the edge off what could have been an upsetting situation (I love those cookies!). It was, however, Porter's masterful updating and communication that made an otherwise angering moment, somewhat tolerable. Once I understood the situation, I could plan accordingly. I settled myself in at one of their courtesy Wifi computers and got a bunch of work done. Knowing the status and what to expect made all the difference.

A similar incident happened in another leg of my journey with Jet Blue -- another example of good communication when things go not exactly as expected. We were flying through a rough patch and the plane pitched. Just then, the chirp of the pilot’s bell chimed and was followed by the pilot announcing what was happening. He explained that the turbulence was normal and how long it would last. It was his tone, his air of control, his measured pace that told us as much as his words did, that everything would be alright. With this communication, he allayed our concerns, let us know he was in charge, and demonstrated that he understood our concern and need-to-know what was happening before we even felt compelled to ask.

Does your boss keep you informed when your organization hits a bumpy spell? Do you let your colleagues, clients, employees and boss know what's happening and what you're doing to control it when things go a little off track? Do you allay concerns and proactively provide reassuring information before people feel compelled to ask? If not, consider the other person's perspective and provide a brief "it'll be OK, and why" update.They will appreciate it, and you for doing it.

I’m reminded of the stock market crash over the past few years. My mother’s financial advisor proactively provided market summaries and explanations to all his clients, quelling their queries much more so than had he remained silent. It didn’t change the uncertainty of the market. It didn't change the situation and plummeting stock values. What it did do, however, was assure his clients that he was engaged and aware of their concerns. He validated his clients by responding by filling the black void with information.

For anyone who has lived through organizational restructuring (and who hasn’t?), you will know how important communication is to the employee team and all stakeholders. A Director General from a large government department recently confided in me that he was discouraged about a lack of communication plans being developed to advise employees of imminent departmental changes. He felt his concerns fell upon deaf ears. Another agency I know has been struggling with transformation without communication. It seems the “Chief of Transformation” doesn’t think letting employees in on the situation is worth the effort. Dead wrong.

Here's the lesson: during times of great upheaval, whether due to external forces or initiated by the organization itself, it's time to communicate to those being affected. A “no surprises” philosophy is a productive and compassionate one. Fill the void with information because otherwise, it will be filled with fear and rumors.

When Porter Air was delayed, as cute as those flight attendant pillbox hats were, it wasn’t those that I admired – it was the communication. It made a difference, and if you communicate when it's critical, especially when things go bad, you'll make a good difference too.

 

Comments about this article? Go one and post them on my blog at http://www.marionspeaks.com/_blog/Marions_Communication_Tips

Until next time, here's to ...
Better communication, Better business, Better life,
Marion Grobb Finkelstein
COMMUNICATION CATALYST
Keynote Speaker / Corporate Trainer / Author
www.MarionSpeaks.com
Marion@MarionSpeaks.com
www.facebook.com/MarionSpeaks  

© 2011 Marion Grobb Finkelstein
WANT TO USE THIS ARTICLE IN YOUR EZINE OR WEB SITE? You can, as long as you include this complete tagline with it: Communication specialist, author, professional speaker Marion Grobb Finkelstein teaches individuals and organizations across Canada and beyond, how to improve morale, confidence and productivity by changing how they communicate. Chat with her at www.facebook.com/MarionSpeaks and sign up for her FREE weekly "Marion's Communication Tips" at www.MarionSpeaks.com

TAKE A WALK IN THEIR SHOES

A number of years ago, one of my best friends shared with me a rather interesting question she'd been posed in a job interview. The person considering her for a position leaned across the table and asked, "If you were a shoe, what type of shoe would you be?". Say what? (Don't worry, this is not a "shoe" article ... read on and you'll see where I'm going with this).

It sounds a little out there, maybe even odd, to present such a whimsical question during a serious job interview. Some may even call it flippant. I believe it was brilliant. Shoes speak volumes about what people value. Think about it -- what type of shoes do YOU wear? What are you wearing right now, and how do they make you feel? Comfortable, sporty, sexy, powerful, authoriative, rich, poor, newbie or professional? Any red-blooded fashionista worth his or her weight in salt will tell you that you can change the whole look of an outfit simply by changing the shoes. They change your perspective both when you slip them on, and in how you appear to others. Shoes suggest if you consider comfort over style, or sacrifice feel-good for foot-pinching to obtain a certain image. Shoes and how well they fit, affect your mood and confidence. When you're wearing certain shoes, they provide a unique perspective of the world and of yourself. Hence, the importance of stepping into someone else's shoes to really understand his or her perspective. That's how you connect.

COMMUNICATION TIP: To understand, take a walk in their shoes.

There, I told you at the start that this article is not about "shoes" literally, just figuratively. You can see how physically changing shoes would allow you to feel differently and appreciate how someone else might feel in them. The same is true figuratively and in how you communicate. It changes your perspective and breeds understanding -- and that, right there, is the essence that feeds good communication: come from a place of understanding.

Sometimes things look pretty good at first blush and it's not until we actually try on the situation for size that we realize it's not quite as comfy as it appears. Just like a pair of shoes that look perfect, we don't know what they feel like until we have them on. We begin to appreciate that someone appears grouchy and off-balance because something in their life isn't fitting right.

I encourage you to consider these two facts:

1) Everyone behaves how they do for a reason
2) That reason is an explanation, not an excuse.

If someone is communicating with you in a harsh way, it may have nothing to do with you at all. It could be simply that their "shoes" are pinching. Sadly, some people walk around wearing perpetually cruel shoes that make every step of their life miserable. They are coming from such a place of pain, they are chronically suffering, and they lash out as a result. Unfortunately, if you're in their firing range, you become one of the casualties.

Let me be clear here -- I'm not saying it's OK for people to behave inappropriately toward you. Their shoes may be an explanation for their behavior; they are not an excuse. There may be very valid and logical reasons why someone is in a foul mood, has a chip on the shoulder, or is angry with the world. Whatever the reason, it doesn't give them permission to dump on you. It's an explanation, not an excuse.

What to do in a situation where you just don't see eye to eye? The first place to start is slipping on the other person's shoes. See the world from their perspective. Feel the pinches and blisters that are likely rubbing them the wrong way. Consider the situation from their viewpoint. In doing so, you will build understand ... and bridges.

Everyone behaves the way they do for a reason, so take a walk in their shoes and think about what that reason might be. Even if you don't know and can't imagine, know that them disconnecting from you may have nothing at all to do with you and everything to do with something or someone completely unrelated to the subject at hand. Acknowledge to whatever degree possible, the reasons why a person may be behaving a certain way.

For example, if a service representative is grouchy and giving less than stellar service, instead of getting upset, you could acknowledge their perspective and say, “I know this is your busy season and it’s been difficult to get back to me …”.

Just today, I experienced a frustrating weeks-long incident with my bank. Pamela, the Financial Services Manager, knew I was plenty upset for unnecessary delays and the tension was growing between us. Pamela was the person who was in a position to help me and I realized that distancing myself from her was not an effective strategy, so better judgement kicked in (thankfully) and I switched gears. Instead of going on and on about the problem, I said to the Pamela, "Wow, so much paperwork and bureaucracy. I don't know how you deal with it everyday. You're amazing". When I went into the bank a couple hours later to sign off some papers, the branch manager popped in to personally apologize for the mix-up ... and to waive my monthly fees for a year and order my business cheques for free. Wow! All because I tried on someone's shoes.

Isn't it time you get that shoe horn ready and give it a try. Go ahead, take a walk in their shoes and feel the pinch ... it just might bring you a step in the right direction to better communication.

THE 24-HOUR RULE

Have you ever found yourself in that awkward situation where you’re disappointed, upset or angry with someone and you don’t know quite how to tell them? It happens everyday in workplaces across the country.

When a situation is especially volatile, emotions run high, and when emotions run high, people say things they probably shouldn't. When you feel threatened, attacked or think you have a lot to lose, your instinct may be to run and hide (flight) or to fight back, hard. Running away is seldom the right thing to do, though it does have its place. Perhaps putting up a fight is exactly the right response, though replying with a knee-jerk, angst-filled reaction is not. It just won't serve you well.

Susan was a manager is a large national non-profit organization. She worked very closely with other managers and was quite successful at getting things done through influence, as she had no direct authority over the divisions of her peers. She got along with everyone except one. His name was David and he was a son-of-a-gun.

David would respond to Susan's email with point-by-point lengthy rebuttals. He would cc a barrage of people on emails which appeared to Susan as though he were grandstanding in front of an audience. Instead of working collaboratively, it appeared that he fought her solid, well-presented recommendations every step of the way.

Susan's normal response was to reply politely, professionally and promptly to David's emails that came to feel like public attacks. To break the email monotony and in the hopes of making a personal connection, every now and then she picked up the phone and responded immediately verbally then followed up with a written reply. All this was taking enormous amounts of energy and time. The opportunity cost was that Susan came in early and worked late to stay on top of the rest of her workload. It was exhausting and sucked the fun out of going in to the office every day. Every time it seemed that Susan reached out to reply to David, her hand was slapped.

Then she had an epiphany: change the dance.

After too many sleepless nights, Susan realized that she could change the dynamics of her working relationship with David by changing how she responded to him. No more would she respond immediately, especially on volatile subjects. She decided she would apply the "24-hour rule". That is, she would draft or think about her response then sit on it for 24 hours before sending it. It worked. David continued dashing off detail-laden emails, several a day, and when he got no immediate response, the emails slowed down. Susan's responses were less harried, more strategic and general in nature, and the 24-hour rule gave her more time to tend to her many other duties.

Perhaps you've found yourself in a situation similar to Susan (true story, names have been changed) where you've felt pressured to respond, or you were so upset you wanted to respond immediately. Something angers you and you feel you must reply to preserve your reputation or to present your argument before a decision is made or an action taken. Sometimes time really is of the essence, though, more often, waiting a day to respond is completely reasonable.

COMMUNICATION TIP: Apply the 24-hour rule. Give yourself time before you respond.

When dealing with a prickly, emotionally charged subject, cool your jets before you communicate. Give yourself 24 hours to breathe, to step back, gain perspective and plan how you will best connect. Then, once you've had a chance to gather your thoughts and compile a response that's going to work best for you and others, move to action. This measured approach will save relationships ... and careers.

I have found the “24-hour” rule to be invaluable. It has helped me many times over the years. And it’s available to help you too. Before responding with knee-jerk emotion, before picking up the phone or pushing “send” on the email, give it 24 hours. You’ll appreciate the difference a day makes. So will your colleague on the receiving end.

Comments about this article? Share them below by posting a blog.

Until next time, here's to ...
Better communication, Better business, Better life,
Marion Grobb Finkelstein
COMMUNICATION CATALYST
Keynote Speaker / Corporate Trainer / Author
www.MarionSpeaks.com
Marion@MarionSpeaks.com
www.facebook.com/MarionSpeaks

© 2011 Marion Grobb Finkelstein
WANT TO USE THIS ARTICLE IN YOUR EZINE OR WEB SITE? You can, as long as you include this complete tagline with it: Communications expert, author, professional speaker Marion Grobb Finkelstein teaches individuals and organizations across Canada and beyond, how to improve morale, confidence and productivity by changing how they communicate. Chat with her at www.facebook.com/MarionSpeaks or sign up for her FREE weekly e-newsletter "Marion's Communication Tips" at www.MarionSpeaks.com

Have you ever found yourself in that awkward situation where you’re disappointed, upset or angry with someone and you don’t know quite how to tell them? This could help …

DECIDING WHEN TO SPEAK UP
One of the toughest things for us to know is when to speak our minds and when to bite our tongues. There really is no hard and fast rule because there are so many variables involved, not the least of which are your own personal comfort level and communication style. That being said, there are some guidelines that may help you decide if the time to speak up is now. You may find that saying the tough things may be your right choice under the following conditions:

• If the person's actions are negatively affecting your life 
• If the person's right to behave how he/she wishes infringes on your rights
• If you are speaking up on behalf of others who feel, for whatever reason, that they are not in a position to speak up for themselves
• If the behaviour goes beyond reasonable expectation of professional people
• If the questionable behaviour is repeated again and again
• If you know you'll regret it if you say nothing

Understanding why people are behaving the way they do is a wonderful starting point for communications. Even when you disagree with a behaviour, step back and consider the motivation, the reason why someone is behaving as he or she does. It may be a very dysfunctional reason that manifests itself in an ugly behaviour that is not serving the person or those around him or her well -- and they may not even realize it.

A relative of mine used to walk out in the middle of discussions when he wasn't in agreement, instead of staying and talking it through to a mutual resolution. This approach worked for him because he left when he was frustrated. It didn't work for the people left behind. His behaviour was tolerated for decades, until one time this relative offered a comment almost in passing, that shed great light. He said that his father used to beat his mother and he promised himself as a young boy that he would never allow himself to get that angry. Ahhh, understanding. This event explained his behaviour, it did not excuse it. His running away from conflict worked for him; it left us puzzled, frustrated and feeling like we were always walking on eggshells afraid to "upset" this man. Then one day, the inevitable happened ... a straw broke the camel's back. A fairly insignificant event snowballed out of proportion and he and his family refused to talk about it or to others. Regrettably, the relationship wasn't strong enough to withstand this challenge and he and his family have decided that they don't want to talk to a good portion of our relatives. A tough price to pay because we spoke up too late and because his family likely missed opportunities to speak up as well, along the way. Perhaps if we had said something decades ago explaining how his behaviour looked and felt, perhaps if he had explained why he was acting as he was, perhaps we would all still be communicating and he wouldn't have spent his life giving the cold shoulder to one relative or another. A sad life lesson.

After you understand possible reasons "why" the offending action may be occurring, balance that with this fact:

• the "why" of a behaviour is an explanation, not an excuse.

Why someone behaves a certain way is no excuse for the behaviour. And if that behaviour is negatively impacting you, you have a right to speak up. In fact, one may argue that you have the responsibility to do so. If you never speak up, if no one ever does, how is this person to know how his or her actions may be received as hurtful, ineffective or disrepectful? Maybe they would be well served if someone provided them with this insight. Maybe that someone, is you. 

HOW TO SAY THE TOUGH THINGS
Let's face it, it's tough to say the tough things. People don't want to hear that someone disagrees with something they've done or said. Although difficult, saying the tough things is not impossible. Once you know it's the right thing to do and you've decided to take the brave step to share your concerns, here's some tips to keep in mind that will increase the chances of a positive outcome: 

• Describe the questionable behaviour. Give real "when you ..." examples. Be specific so the person knows exactly the behaviour that stung, that didn't feel right, and that prompted you to speak up.
• Describe the impact. Explain how it made you feel. Often people don't realize how their actions impact others. Let them know.
• Acknowledge why the behaviour may be occurring. Enunciate to the person that you acknowledge why they may have behaved the way they did. Often the motivation is justifiable -- how the action manifests itself is not. Allow them to save face and demonstrate that you validate their feelings and motivations.
• Begin by validating the other person’s position or difficulty (at least to yourself): See the world from their perspective – everyone behaves the way they do for a reason, so take a walk in their shoes. Acknowledge to whatever degree possible, the reasons why a person may be behaving a certain way, e.g., “I know you may not realize how this is affecting me and you're just trying a new office procedure to improve cost-effectiveness …” Extending a tip of the hat in acknowledgement goes miles for building relationships. And after all, isn’t that the objective and outcome of great communications?
• Describe the desired behaviour. Saying only what you don't like isn't enough. Accompany the description of the "problem" with a solution. You can do that in the form of describing alternative actions that you believe would be more effective.
• Attack the behaviour, not the person. Don't personalize your comments or make it about the person. Keep it to the actions and behaviours.
• Come from a place of support. Boy, it's tough to think of the other person's perspective when you believe that he or she has crossed a boundary. However, putting aside the emotion and focusing on the relationship will always put you on solid ground.
• Give yourself time:  When dealing with a volatile, emotional subject, cool your jets before you communicate. Give yourself breathing space to step back and plan how you will best communicate. Sometimes that means a few minutes. Sometimes 24 hours. Sometimes several days. In extreme cases, it means years. Take the time you need while ensuring that you don't take so much time thinking about it, that you miss the opportunity to speak.

Be aware that when you do speak up, regardless of how respectfully and professionally you express yourself, few people will thank you. In fact, most will resent your statement. With time, if they have the maturity and the capacity, hopefully they'll see the grain of truth in what you're sharing. It's the handful of a chosen few who are able to hear feedback about their actions and not get defensive. Some will go on the attack and lash out at you, sometimes citing completely unrelated actions you have done. It's not pretty, so toughen up. Saying the tough things doesn't come with a trophy. There are no tangible rewards, just the knowledge that you asserted yourself when most would not. You spoke up for yourself and possibly for those who couldn't speak for themselves.

Do you have tough things that you want to communicate to someone? If you're faced with a difficult situation, Identify what approach works best for YOU. Pay attention to what that little voice inside your head is saying. It will tell you if it's time to speak up and it will guide you how to do it constructively. Use the tips above and saying the tough things will be a little less tough.

© 2011 Marion Grobb Finkelstein
WANT TO USE THIS ARTICLE IN YOUR EZINE OR WEB SITE? You can, as long as you include this complete tagline with it: Communications Catalyst, author, professional speaker Marion Grobb Finkelstein helps individuals and organizations across Canada and beyond raise morale, confidence and productivity by changing how they communicate. Chat with her on www.facebook.com/MarionSpeaks or sign up for her FREE weekly e-newsletter "Marion's Communication Tips" at www.MarionSpeaks.com

Every now and then, I get a question that so many people have asked (or want to ask), that I simply want to share it with all of you. This is one of those delicate communication situations described below. Perhaps you've found yourself in this awkward position or you will someday. Read on, and you'll have some suggestions with how to handle it.

QUESTION:

I was wondering how to approach employees on personal hygiene issues.  It's not that the individuals are dirty or filthy but rather don't use personal anti-perspirants due to whatever reason. I have other employees commenting on "how ripe" the smell is on some days!  I'd like to discuss this with the individuals and wondered how to handle it.
Signed, Holding my breath until I get an answer.

MARION'S RESPONSE:

What a tough situation -- talk about having to communicate a difficult message! Rest assured, you're not alone. I've known several people who have handled this predicament. Here's some principles of good communications and tactics I would suggest:

1. SET THE TONE: Before you do anything, get your head in the right place -- come from a place of service, not judgement. You are speaking to this person because you have information that will help them (I'll explain how in a sec). Keep the mood light and casual. If you're nervous about speaking to them, remind yourself that you're doing this to support them, not to make them feel bad. Remind yourself of the outcome you want to see -- improved relationships, better productivity (it's hard to be productive when people don't want to be around you), and maintaining the person's dignity.

2. SPEAK IN PRIVATE. You mention "individuals" (plural) -- meet with each one separately and privately. If your workspace doesn't have a door, find a corner somewhere that you can meet without anyone hearing. No one needs to know that you're speaking to them. This is a sensitive issue and the intent is to treat it delicately and respectfully. Keep it short, brief, friendly and authoritative (you're the boss, right?)

3. WHAT TO SAY. The two golden rules of offering feedback:

            1) the person feel better for having heard it; and

            2) They know what to do to improve.

With this in mind:

a) Let them know the situation

b) Explain the impact it's having on THEM (i.e., their operational effectiveness) and others and (here's the important part) why it's in their best interest to change.

c) let them know you're there to help, you support them

d) close with a thank you and how much you value them.

A few cautions:

a) Make no reference to what might be causing the body odor, or anything that might end you up in the HR or lawyer's office -- that is, make no reference to culture, gender, weight, or anything else that you might see as contributing factors. These things could be seen as personal attacks, and that's not the intent.

b) Be approachable while being matter-of-fact

c) Allow them to save face, not be embarrassed.

It could sound something like this:

"Debbie/John (fill in the blank), I wanted to speak to you because I've noticed something I think you'll want to hear. Please know that I say this in the spirit of support and because you deserve to connect with colleagues and clients to the greatest extent possible.

I find that when I'm near you, I smell perspiration or body odour. I don't know what's causing it, all I know is that I'm concerned it's affecting your ability to interact with colleagues and clients.

You deserve to feel comfortable around others, so taking care of this piece is just another way to connect. There's lots of products you can try until you find a combination that works for you. If you have any questions, I'm not an expert but I'll certainly answer questions and help you as much as I can.

I appreciate the fact that we can speak candidly. So, let me know how it's going and if you have any questions, let me know."

Hope that helps. Let me know how it goes!

(PS: Hey, if you're reading this and have had a similar incident, post your comments and let us know what you did and how it turned out... or if you're going to use the approach suggested above).

Do you ever lose your cool? Ah, c'mon, honestly now. If you say, "no", you're fibbing. Everyone loses it, sometimes. It's normal. It's natural. And it can be a career stopper if you let it. Losing your cool alters not just the effectiveness of your communications --  it can alter your relationships forever. The key is controlling your temper, before it controls you.

This past Sunday night, I grabbed my cuppa tea and nestled into the couch for our weekly ritual -- watching "The Apprentice". I love observing the communication between all the players and find the drama of interpersonal dynamics fascinating. This week did not disappoint. At the top of the show, Nene, a rather brash and outspoken woman, went completely ballistic on Star Jones. What an scene! And she did it right in front of the client launching the challenge for the two competing teams. At that point, I had to wonder if the client wrote off Nene's team (Nene was Project Leader) because of her outburst. Have you ever been discounted or discounted someone else due to a temper tantrum?

In the workplace, the tension and stress levels can be quite similar to this scenario, though we might contain it with a little more class. Few people (thankfully) behave as bombastically as Nene did. That doesn't mean that we don't sometimes fantasize doing so. The challenge is, how to control your temper when you feel so frustrated you could scream? These tips will get you on your way:

• LISTEN TO YOUR BODY AND BREATHE: Be aware of the stress signals your body is sending you. Be in the moment and conscious of what's happening. Cortisone is coursing through your veins, your blood pressure is soaring, and chances are, you're holding your breath. The antidote? Breathe. Breathe mindfully and deeply. Feel the stress drain from your being. Your body will thank you, and it will help you gain back control.

• REMEMBER THE BIG PICTURE AND FIND SOMETHING YOU LIKE: When colleagues push your buttons, chances are they don't even realize they're doing so. Normally, there is no intent at all to drive you nuts (unless they're "bullies", and that's a whole other ball game). In the absence of anything proving otherwise, assume that your antagonist's actions are not deliberate. Think about your relationship with this person as a whole, and consider this action that is prompting your potential outburst as an isolated incident. Even if this person has pushed your buttons before, consider this incident, whatever it might be, as a small portion of the whole relationship. Remember the good parts, gain perspective.

• POLITELY EXCUSE YOURSELF AND REMOVE YOURSELF: If you can't contain yourself, remove yourself. You know when you're about to lose it, so read the signs and put yourself in a place where you can regain control. If that means taking a "time out", do it. If you don't know your limits and aren't sure when you're reaching your boiling point, educate yourself -- become a student of your own emotional barometer, and know the warning signs before you surrender to your outburst.

•  HOLD YOUR TEMPER NOT FOR THEM ... DO IT FOR YOU. No one wants to witness your temper tantrum, no matter how justifiable it may be in your mind. Such outbursts could distance you from other colleagues -- they may not want to be associated with someone known as "hot-headed". Your losing your cool may damage not only one relationship you have, but many. Put a lid on it, not just out of respect for the other person (whether they deserve it or not) -- do it out of respect for yourself, your relationships, and your career. Keeping your cool will best serve you.

•  REMEMBER, YOU CAN'T UNRING THE BELL. Once words are spoken, they cannot be taken back. They irrevocably change relationships. Even with apologies and explanations, the words still hang there in the air, often pushing people apart and nudging them further mired into their polar-opposite positions. When speaking in anger, people share the unvarnished secrets of their darkest hearts, without benefit of tact and diplomacy. It can be ugly and distasteful. The price for that fleeting moment of "feel good" may be a lifetime of regret. COMM TIP: Watch the words you spit out because one day, you may have to swallow them.

In the final analysis, losing your temper won't serve you well. It will destroy relationships and paint you as an unprofessional hot-head. Regardless of what you think of the other person, don't you deserve more? Hold your tongue, hold your relationships.

PS: I'd love to hear your thoughts about how holding your temper. Just post your comments below. 

Until next time, here's to ...
Better communication, Better business, Better life!
Marion Grobb Finkelstein
Keynote Speaker / Corporate Trainer / Author
www.MarionSpeaks.com
Marion@MarionSpeaks.com
www.facebook.com/MarionSpeaks  

© 2011 Marion Grobb Finkelstein
WANT TO USE THIS ARTICLE IN YOUR EZINE OR WEB SITE? You can, as long as you include this complete tagline with it: Communications expert, author, professional speaker Marion Grobb Finkelstein teaches individuals and organizations across Canada and beyond, how to improve their businesses and their lives by improving their communications. Chat with her Facebook www.facebook.com/MarionSpeaks  or sign up for her FREE weekly e-newsletter "Marion's Communication Tips" at www.MarionSpeaks.com