Marion's Communication Tips

Shut Up (and Other Terms That Disconnect)

I heard something the other day that surprised me.

We were out for dinner with some friends and the teenage daughter was talking about getting her hair highlighted ... again. The father passed a comment questioning if she really needed to spend that much money on her hair, after all, she's in high school. Her response was quick and without hesitation. She turned to her father and snapped back, "Shut up". I was stunned.

Now, one may argue that the term "shut up" has wormed its way into our vernacular and is commonly used. You might think, "Hey, it's no big deal that someone says 'shut up' to anyone". Perhaps that's true ... in most cases. Usually when it's used in the colloquial sense, "shut up" means, "Are you kidding me? No way!". This use is intended as an exclamation, a statement of surprise. The intended use of this teenager was a slap of sheer defiance. There was no tone of friendly astonishment. If she meant to insult, mission accomplished.

The father said nothing.

That incident reminded me with a vengeance of one thing: words matter. They can heal or hurt. They can be flung out in anger or cooed as a soothing. Words make a difference to how we communicate. They can also be misunderstood.

There are certain words that I believe should not be used in the workplace: words that infer disrespect. To me, "shut up", is one of those expressions to be avoided. The risk for misunderstanding is too high and you may end up distancing the very people with whom you want to connect. It's not worth that gamble.

The challenge with words is that words alone are only part of the communication, albeit a very important one. To truly understand the message the words hope to convey, you need some other clues.

Have you ever been in a situation when you've wondered what someone really meant by a comment? Here's a couple tips that will help you decipher the intended meaning beyond the mere words.

HOW TO FIND THE MEANING BEYOND THE WORDS:

1) LOOK AT THE CONTEXT. In a face to face or voicemail message, you are able to garner a lot of information from the tone of the conversation. Is it aggressive, or lighthearted? Loving or hateful? Is there a relationship between these people and if so, is it a good one? The context provides the background and setup for the communication. It provides insight.

2) READ THE UNSPOKEN LANGUAGE. Our bodies talk. In fact, at times, they practically scream. A raise of an eyebrow, a crooked smile, the tilt of a head all communicate messages. The tone, the pace, the pauses of the spoken word give hints as well. Someone's action or refusal to do something shouts volumes. The unspoken language communicates the emotion behind the words, and that gives us a clearer understanding of the intent.

3) ASK FOR CLARIFICATION. When in doubt, ask the person what they mean in a non-aggressive tone (man, that can be difficult). You could say something like, "I'm not sure I understand. What did you mean when you said XYZ", or "I'm not sure I understand what you're saying", and then be quiet, say nothing, and wait for his or her response.

It was based on these observations that I concluded that the teenage girl in my story was being defiant. Her "shut up" was not meant as a joke or an exclamation of disbelief. It was intended to end the conversation because she didn't want to hear the protest and regrettably did not have the maturity to discuss it (hey, she's just a teen).

OK, now comes the admission part. Being a communication person, I took the opportunity to express my perception (translation: I couldn't hold my tongue). I was compelled to say something at what I saw as such a flagrant display of disrespect to her father. I could tell by his reaction that he was reading it the same way, yet he said nothing. Probably he was in shock.

In the space of a second or two, I said, "Wow, don't tell your father to shut up. (Pause). I know to you that using the term 'shut up' is no big deal. To your father and us, however, it sounds rude and pretty harsh." I then allowed a saving face moment and added, "I'm sure you didn't mean it like that, did you?". That allowed for some dialogue and the conversation moved forward. Alright, maybe it limped forward for a minute or two. Awkward.

Do you find yourself using the term "shut up"? If so, be aware that it may be misunderstood by others. Conversely, if others are using it in your workplace or otherwise, now you have some tips to uncover and understand the real meaning of what's being said. And that's really what communication is all about -- understanding.

Replace Credibility Stoppers with Credibility Starters

Do you ever wonder about the words you use and the impact they have on how people perceive you? Whether you realize it or not, your choice of words may not be serving you well. You may be undermining your communication.

How you speak and the words you use do one of two things:

build your credibility or rob you of it.

There are many ways that people erode their credibility. One of the most prevalent credibility stoppers I see (and ladies, pay attention, because we tend to do this more then men ...) is what I call "uptalk" .This is when everything a person says sounds like a question. Think California “valley girls” and teenage girls of almost any North American location who end just about every phrase with an upward inflection. Not only is this speech pattern incredibly distracting, it robs you of your credibility.

You may recognize what I mean by "uptalk". You hear other people do it and you know how distracting it can be. What you may not realize is if YOU are using it or not. Here's three ways to discover if you do so or not:

HOW TO DISCOVER IF YOU USE "UPTALK" OR NOT:

1) Have a colleague be your "uptalk" counter

2) Record yourself

3) Become aware and listen to yourself

The best way to critique any aspect of your communication, is to have a trusted source be your ears and eyes and provide constructive feedback. Select your colleague wisely and make sure that his or her communication style meets your needs. If you're looking for bottom line, give-me-the-facts feedback, find someone who can give you that gets right to it. Alternately, if you respond more effectively to a gentle and nurturing approach, look around for a colleague who approaches communication in that fashion.

Recording yourself is an excellent method to become painfully aware if uptalk has found its way into your vernacular. Listen to your outgoing voicemail message. Next time you leave a voicemail to someone, listen to it before you leave it -- check it for any uptalk and if you find any, re-record it until there is none. If you're doing a presentation or attending a meeting, discreetly clip a mic to your lapel and record til your heart's content. I often record my presentations and become painfully aware of all my speaking idiosyncrasies. You will too.

Finally, and perhaps most difficult, is simply being aware and noticing when you use uptalk. Listen to yourself. Be in the moment. Be a detective of your own speech pattern. If you find you are using uptalk, avoid the temptation to whip yourself. Instead, comment yourself for noticing! Pat yourself on the back every time you are aware of your own uptalk, because being aware that you just said it is just one step away from being aware just BEFORE you say it. And that's progress.

REPLACE UPTALK WITH CREDIBILITY STARTERS

To communicate with confidence, end your sentences firmly on a down note. Try it now. Say, “I have a red car?” (up-talk). It’s tentative, questioning, and in its most extreme use, speaking like this may make you sound a little (how to say this politely?) flighty, ditsy, airhead-like and most certainly, uncertain. Now try the very same sentence ending on a down note, "I have a red car". It’s strong, affirmative, powerful. Which impression would you prefer to give?

Uptalk may be stopping you from presenting a confident self-image to others. And if it is, now you now what to do about it (said with a "down note" -- that's a statement, not a question, because I know it to be true. Try it and see for yourself). 

Comments about this article? Go one and post them on my blog at http://www.marionspeaks.com/_blog/Marions_Communication_Tips

PS: I'm planning a special series of sessions I'm anxious to tell you about. Stay tuned in the next few weeks for some exciting news!

Until next time, here's to ...
Better communication, Better business, Better life,
Marion Grobb Finkelstein
COMMUNICATION CATALYST
Keynote Speaker / Corporate Trainer / Author
www.MarionSpeaks.com
Marion@MarionSpeaks.com
www.facebook.com/MarionSpeaks  

© 2011 Marion Grobb Finkelstein
WANT TO USE THIS ARTICLE IN YOUR EZINE OR WEB SITE? You can, as long as you include this complete tagline with it: Communication specialist, author, professional speaker Marion Grobb Finkelstein teaches individuals and organizations across Canada and beyond, how to improve morale, confidence and productivity by changing how they communicate. Chat with her at www.facebook.com/MarionSpeaks and sign up for her FREE weekly "Marion's Communication Tips" at www.MarionSpeaks.com

Watch Your Language

Think about the last time you were upset, so ripping mad you could scream. Now think about the words and language you told yourself or others. Did your language become more, um, er ... "colorful"? Was it exceptionally emotive and passionate? Did it make a sailor blush? (No offence to sailors ;o)

Sure, there's a time and a place for just about every type of language and vocabulary. Chatting with friends or a confidante, go ahead and let it all hang out. Vent until your heart is content. However, when it comes to matters of the workplace, choose your words carefully. Once you say them, they can't be unsaid. Sure, you can apologize, make a joke of it, treat it as lightly as possible, and that might work. It might not. Just like trying to unscramble eggs, there's no undoing words that have been spoken. They will hang in the air and affect relationships and reputations.

Before someone lashes out and says something inappropriate, there's usually an event or series of events leading up to this climax. It's often a small incident that triggers what seems to be an overreaction. Here's the key:

COMMUNICATION TIP:  speak out while you still are in control

Sometimes, you're upset and you tell yourself to say nothing. You squish down the anger, the sadness, the disappointment. You tell yourself to suck it up and move forward. Yet, deep in your heart, that "something" still bothers you. It keeps you up at night. It consumes your free moments. You find yourself fantasizing about really telling a person off. You have make-believe conversations to this irritating work mate as if he or she were standing beside you and you were saying what's really on your mind ... and boy, do you! These are all signs that you're reaching a limit. Address the issue before a straw breaks the camel's back and you snap. Be aware when something is bothering you, and then (this is the tough part), manage the situation.

Like many tough times in life, it boils down to you having three choices:

CHOICE #1) accept it (which means that truly, in your heart, you're OK with the situation, the person, the status quo. You have no more right or compunction to complain)
CHOICE #2) change it (change your reaction, how you respond)
CHOICE #3) leave (remove yourself from the situation or irritant)

Suppose you choose to "change it", to do something about how you are reacting. It might be that there’s someone in your life you need to speak to, candidly. You know if you do it wrongly, you’ll blow the relationship. And (here’s the catch) you need that person in your life. Try this …

• Write your response. Draft your response, let the emotions pour … then go back and edit them out. Get rid of all the superlatives and excessive passion. Choose the rational, calm, and logical approach to communicating your concerns.
• Give yourself time. If you need some down time, a few moments, hours or days to assess and respond professionally to a disturbing situation, then take it. If someone is waiting for your response, let them know you're working on it and when he or she could reasonably expect your answer.
• Present your viewpoint without the emotion. Use neutral language and stick to the facts. In doing so, you’ll increase the chance that your message will not only be heard, but that the recipient will actively listen and consider what you are saying.

When your message is swimming in a river of emotion, it may well get swept away. That doesn't serve you well at all. The only thing your colleagues will remember is your emotion, not the message. Strong language evokes equally strong responses. Sticking to the facts, using neutral language, speaking in a non-accusatory way is the quickest way for you to get to the bottom of the situation. It's this style of communication that will position you as the professional you truly are.

Remove excessive emotion, and increase the probability that your message will be received loud and clear, and your relationships will stay in tact.

Comments about this article? I invite you to post them on my blog below

Until next time, here's to ...
Better communication, Better business, Better life,
Marion Grobb Finkelstein
COMMUNICATION CATALYST
Keynote Speaker / Corporate Trainer / Author
www.MarionSpeaks.com
Marion@MarionSpeaks.com
www.facebook.com/MarionSpeaks  

© 2011 Marion Grobb Finkelstein
WANT TO USE THIS ARTICLE IN YOUR EZINE OR WEB SITE? You can, as long as you include this complete tagline with it: Communication specialist, author, professional speaker Marion Grobb Finkelstein teaches individuals and organizations across Canada and beyond, how to improve morale, confidence and productivity by changing how they communicate. Chat with her at www.facebook.com/MarionSpeaks and sign up for her FREE weekly "Marion's Communication Tips" at www.MarionSpeaks.com

You Don't "HAVE TO" Anything

Words are an amazing tool in your communication tool kit. They pack a powerful punch. Like a knife, they can cut deeply and hurt or be used to free of bonds and heal. The words you choose to use can help you connect or disconnect with others.

Take a moment right now, and think about the expressions people use that drive you absolutely nuts. When you hear them, they're like nails on a chalkboard. They distance you and provoke a visceral response, perhaps anger or defensiveness, and you're not even sure why. These words and expressions are your "triggers" and touch something inside you. My guess is that people in your workplace are using these very words and expressions every day and whether you realize it or not, you're responding.

One of the most common "disconnecting" expressions I hear is "have to", as in, "You have to do this", or its sister expression, "You have to understand". No, actually, you don't "have to" do or understand anything. You may CHOOSE to do so, and choice is empowering. When someone says you "have to" do, think, or feel a certain way, it sounds like it removes your power of choice, and that's the rub.

COMMUNICATION TIP: Avoid saying "have to".

When you tell yourself or someone else "have to" do something, it makes you sound powerless and like a victim. We hear ourselves saying things like, "we have to do this project. So sorry, we'd like to stay and celebrate but we have to leave. Gee, I have to exercise and eat certain foods to maintain health". Or we plead with a colleague, "You have to understand".

You always have options. You might not like those options and decide not to exercise them, and that's very different than not having them at all. Acknowledging this fact and the responsibility you have for creating your own reality, changes the way you communicate.

A much more empowering self-talk and way to connect with others is to replace your "have to" with "will". This language implies that you have choice (however unsavoury the options may be) and that you are, in fact, exercising your own free will. Or simply replace "have to" with the present tense.
 
COMMUNICATION TIP: Say "will" instead.

The sentences then become: "We will do this project (OR We're doing this project). We'd like to stay but we're leaving now so we'll be up bright and early tomorrow. I will (OR do) exercise and eat certain foods to maintain health". Instead of subjecting someone else to the "have to" bug advising that they "have to understand", you say, "This will help explain", or "it's complicated for sure, let me explain"... or just drop the "You have to understand" completely.

What words and sayings are YOU telling yourself and others that could be pushing buttons? Are the words you're using empowering or implying that you or others have no choice? Could your words be misinterpreted ? Whether you intend for your words to irritate or not, do they?  

The first step is awareness. Listen to yourself today and over the next couple days. See if you're using the "have to" expression. You may be completely unaware that you've incorporated these words into your lexicon, how often you use them or the impact they have on others.

The words we use affect our ability to connect with others.  Remember, you don't HAVE TO implement any of these suggestions. However, you may find that you WILL because now you're aware. Good choice.

Comments about this article? I invite you to post them below

Until next time, here's to ...
Better communication, Better business, Better life,
Marion Grobb Finkelstein
COMMUNICATION CATALYST
Keynote Speaker / Corporate Trainer / Author
www.MarionSpeaks.com
Marion@MarionSpeaks.com
www.facebook.com/MarionSpeaks  

© 2011 Marion Grobb Finkelstein
WANT TO USE THIS ARTICLE IN YOUR EZINE OR WEB SITE? You can, as long as you include this complete tagline with it: Communications expert, author, professional speaker Marion Grobb Finkelstein teaches individuals and organizations across Canada and beyond, how to improve morale, confidence and productivity by changing how they communicate. Chat with her at www.facebook.com/MarionSpeaks or sign up for her FREE weekly e-newsletter "Marion's Communication Tips" at www.MarionSpeaks.com